mhmm.

So it's about 130AM where I am and I can't sleep. That's one of the few disadvantages there are when it comes to restriction. On the bright side however, I can feel myself becoming numb (emotion-wise, anyways). It's nice to be able to be inside my own head without feeling so miserable. I weighed in this morning at 128.4; I'm on schedule still. I'm hoping tomorrow morning I'll weigh in at 126 at least. Food hasn't really been all that tempting for me recently, so that's nice and dandy. As far as work goes tomorrow, I'll be working 11-8, but I'm hoping since the previous discount day this week was crazy, the second time around won't be so crazayy. We shall see..


I am feeling optimistic and excited about my anticipated weight loss. I hope all is well with you all.

its been a while..

My apologies. I would like to shamefully admit to you all that I have let my ass get to 132. I haven't reached the 130s in YEARS. I'm talking muthafuckin' years, bitches! So after pathetically crying on the bathroom floor for a good half hour, I decided to take action. I started eating because I felt that this whole "not eating" thing was maybe the root of me feeling so sad lately. Now that I've allowed myself to eat it's almost as if it's gotten worse. I don't ever remember being so depressed in my life. It's an odd type of sadness, really, at that; one that particularly hard to expand on but I'll do my best to elaborate. Usually just thinking about sad things makes me sad (obviously, hah), and I might stay sad about the particular subject for a few days as well as shed a few tears. But shit, lately man. It's like I'm not sad at anything particularly, but I feel sad. Like a dread kind of sad. Like I feel nauseous kind of sad. Like a sad that will just sneak up on you when you're having a good time and completely consume your mind for no reason kind of sad. And no matter what I do to ignore it, it will just grab hold of me it won't let me shake it. I hate being so negative, so openly. It really makes me feel pathetic but for goodness sake I feel pathetic and I just need to vent to get it out. To read my thoughts so that I might find some solution, or even just to start to sort things out. I can't believe where I'm at in life right now. It seems the older I get the worse off i get. I have become such a lazy bitch. My work ethics and effort have gone down. I just can't seem to convince myself any of this matters. Though at the same time I know the more responsible I am, the happier I'll be because I'm succeeding.
I have also come to realize I have slowly, yet surely, managed to isolate myself. I do have my one friend back but it's not the same. You see, my sister (I'll call her E for right now), Carol (my friend), and I had always hung out together; just us three made the group. Over the last...oh, I'd say 3 years, I've begun to notice that they are so unlike me. They are both tomboys who like smoking, pot, bongs, video games, eating WHATEVER the fuck they want, etc. Where I prefer shopping, reading, exercising, counting calories. The only thing that holds us together is our love for drugs and that thought is somewhat depressing. My only friendship I have with others is based on something so... empty. And it makes me feel just that. It hurts even more because there isn't anyone to blame - we are just different . Just seeing the two of them click so well gives me an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I think that's why I prefer hanging out with myself rather than with others; being around others makes me feel lonelier than if I were just alone. Because when I'm by myself, I don't have to watch people connect and yearn for that feeling. I am not jealous of the two of them much. I'm happy for my friend and sister to have a deep connection with each other. It just hurts when I witness them manipulating plans so I won't be included. I know they don't mean to be mean, or else they would just straight up say it. But shit, I wish they knew that I'm not a cold hearted bitch and I don't mean to be annoying. It's just so hard to express what I feel and dammit it hard being the different one.

Food wise...has been good since yesterday. I'm hoping that if i eat bare minimum until I go to my cousins on Saturday night I'll be in the low 120s. I've been eating like shit so I think a good bit will just melt off. Last time I saw them I was 17 pounds lighter....eeekkkkk. The thought of seeing there faces when they realize gives my such bad anxiety. You can see it just by looking at their faces. It's humiliating, yet great motivation :) wish me luckkkkkk

Alright, I've had it.

Dude, I am so sick of the cycle I've been stuck in lately. Pretty much a b/p. Oh, except for the fact that I've been purging so much that I no longer could. And that's where I SHOULD be saying that I went back to starving like a good little girl, but doing so would be lying. Truth? I've been eating pretty much everything and anything in site without purging. Haven't gotten on the scale; I'm pretty damn sure it'll be over 120 which is the most I've weighed since the beginning of this shit (this recent cycle at least). And you know what the cause of it all is? Pot. Company. I have no will power with these things. With company (not like friends, more like family), I lose my concentration, my will power. As for the pot thing, munchies pretty much explains that. The weird thing about pot though is it is one of the most powerful weapons I have against my ED anxieties. It's almost like I don't even care. I want to quit again, but I'm addicted. I know, I know that sounds ridiculous BUT pot, in my opinion, can be very physiologically addicting especially to someone with an addictive personality, like moi. I just wish people would leave me in peace so I could starve properly, shiattt :D
But enough about the ranting and shit, it's time to get down and lose the weight. I've done it before, I can do it again! Hm, well I'm going to start by allowing myself no more than 700 calories a day which is kinda a lot, but when I cut it down anymore than that I'm not strong enough (physically) to get through the work day and such. I will also run 2 miles in the morning and go on a walk during the night. What else... Oh, toning. Right. I'll do my toning exercises on Sundays, Wednesdays, and Fridays which will include an assortment of ab, arm, butt, and leg exercises.

I would weigh myself now, but I know it's bad already and I'd hate to further depress myself. I would like to apologize to everyone for my absence. I assure you all that I have been on and reading. Just to ashamed to post myself. Anywho, wish me luck you skinny little bitchessss :P

P.S. I WOULD LOVE A BUDDY IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED

Oh. Gosh.

I don't even know where to start...
I lost my only friend today (other than my sister). I just feel so fucking lost lately. We got in the most ridiculous immature fight. She acts like a 4 year old to get what she wants and throws fits. I can't even start to explain how horrid she has gotten with her treatment of others. Anyways, she threw a fit to get what she wanted the other day, and unlike everyone else I didn't let her have her way. I'm so damn sick of her treating people the way she does and just getting away with it. So she ended up texting me later and bitching me out. So I told her she needs to start treating people better. And she said she was "done with me". I don't really care in all honesty due to the fact she acts like a damn 4 year old, but I was supposed to go to a concert (my first concert) in the next week or so, but since her mother is the ride I suppose that's out of the question. My sister who gets treated like shit by her just stood by and watched instead of helping me out because she has no fucking balls.

I went on my second date with a guy tonight. He is so charming, but a player. It's funny, because I keep telling myself that maybe he isn't. He tried to have sex with me. I ended up just giving him head. I feel so disgusted and used. I knew what he was doing when he was doing it, yet I didn't stick up for myself. He kept saying "you're so small, I love it" which made me want to cry more. Because it just makes me feel more lost. I don't have anyone to talk to. At this point I don't even want anyone to talk to. I just want a shoulder to cry on. I just want someone to tell me it's okay. I want them to say I'm beautiful and mean it. I want someone to say they love me. I want someone to know that I'm still here.


And that I'm sorry.

Sorry for my leave..

I've been far too ashamed to come on here again and again with consistent failures. But, I feel that without having to confirm my lack of self control I'm gaining no accountability thus rendering my future successes from happening. I have been binging and purging to a terrible degree, and I have come to the conclusion that for me to get anywhere with the weight loss I need to cut it out completely. This means no doing it for a reward for reaching a certain weight because this only invigorates my love for food further sending me into my infamous binge/purge mode that only, sadly, results in a weight gain from the lack of ability to purge from over-exhaustion and use of this same ability.

I would like to be 105 by September 29th; I have a concert this day and would like to be somewhat confident in myself so I can have fun for once instead of worrying about how fat I am. Also, I would like to be 100/102 by October 14th (my 21st birthday). In order to do this in such little time I have decided that I will go on a liquid only diet. Sooooo, I guess we will see how this goes. I will take my measurement tonight and post them on here to track my progress. I have become a whale in such a short period of time. I WILL make it up. I know what triggers me into eating an ungodly amount though so I will need to compose a draft of ways around it to optimize my weight loss.

I'll post again with my stats, etc.

wish me luck, i'm gonna need it!!

I have been thinking a lot

About my life. About me as well as my feelings toward myself. I deny too often that this life style inflicts negative thoughts towards myself, but the fact of the matter is that it does. Restriction? Not so much. In fact, with success it gives me the euphoria that I've never felt from anything else; not from love, drugs, or what have you. But soon that euphoria dies with either the realization of a new goal weight to achieve, or a massive chain of binge events (I have been struggling too much with the latter of the two). Somehow along this journey I have lost how to love, as well as what it means to love - whether it be myself or others. Still, knowing all this isn't enough to shut out the constant thoughts. Unfortunately, as many recovery stories as I've heard, never have I heard within those stories that those voices cease to speak. And that is probably what scares me the most about trying to get better. I can either be tormented and thin, or tormented and normal/fat. Right now would most likely be a perfect time to say that I am lost, though saying such a cliche phrase such as that would be a futile attempt as a scape goat from life and taking responsibility. The fact of the matter is, that I am not lost. I know where I am as well as where I stand, yet its the next step that gives me the anxiety of feeling lost. Because there are not only two options but many. Throwing in the towel is one, but one that I knew if I made I would be regretting it in a few days or gained pounds - which ever were to come first. I could clinch my teeth, suck it up, and go on with restriction just to have my hopes shattered by a sequence of binges and purges which I know all too well end with the lingering of spitting and shitting blood. One commonality of all the roads end with the same problem: an obsession with myself to progress to the state which is appeasing to others, only to be contradicted with the fact that it all only pushes me further into an alienation of my own world. The extremes of both of the above stated options have lead me to a third option that brings the two to somewhat of an agreement: restrict as to stay around 107-110, or around 600 calories with exercise. The "voices", so to speak, lash out at me through the thought process of the third. Inquiring that it is my weak former fat self trying to grasp hold again, and before I know it I'll be that same sad fat girl to which I know will begin this vicious and repetitive cycle over again. Maybe I already know the path I will take, because I have taken it before so many times. Nonetheless, a decision needs to made. And I will make it.



The choice being somewhere In between the 3rd and 1st. This is something I can't fully throw in the towel for, because its become part of who I am and is necessary for some of the only true happiness I do experience from life. But other aspects that have been lacking so much due to the scarcity of my energy require that I do need to eat more than 300 calories a day. As well as those calories coming from greens, fruits, and proteins - not from two rolls of sweettarts a day. For one, my work ethics have been broken down from doing above and beyond to being bottom of the barrel. I used to delight in work, in my customers, but now I find it impossible with the irritation and lack of proper nutrients. All of which leave me with disappointed managers wondering what happened to that bright girl besides the decomposition of her body. The irritation doesn't stop at work though; it's an ongoing roller-coaster peaking not when I'm the hungriest, but when I've deemed myself a failure by giving in and having some green beans, or looking upon the scale and seeing an unchanged number - meaning only that I've remained an unchanged girl for yet another day. I've come from being a delightfully sarcastic and witty girl to a demonically and openly obsessed girl craving for her next victim to lash out at after a day, or even a moment, of failure. And I'm tired of the guilt. I'm tired of yearning for a break from my mind, one that I know I will probably never get. I'll say with complete honesty that I don't quite know what I'm trying to represent from this post, because it surely isn't quitting restriction. I'm just tired of the binging and purging that I can't seem to get away from for more than a week. I am, quite contrary to what this post might convey, optimistic about the future. Things seem to have a way of working out. And life, after all, is just a thing.

Tisk, tiskkk!

Oh dear!
Well first off, I got to 107 again. And binged, AGAIN. Luckily I was able to purge. Bad news? I went out drinking with my sister last night and her car broke down! And of course we decided to give these guys a ride home because they missed their cab and where going to pay us 40 dollars for a ride that was quite simply right down the street. Needless to say, we didn't get back to her apartment until 3:30AM. And she made french toast with eggs - I couldn't resist! Never can when I'm not sober. I was pretty pissed at myself because I had FINALLy reached 107 and messed it all up again. I seriously repeated the same mistake; that's really what gets me the most about the whole thing. So I cam home this morning to weight myself and somehow I was still 107. I, no joke, dropped to my knees thanking God for such a wonderful miracle.

And I went pretty much the whole day without eating. Until I got home. ANNNND let's just say it was all downhill from there. Binged, tried to purge, and am very sure I didn't get even half of the enormous food I ate up. I am still going to be positive about this though. I mean I was able to get some up, which is obviously better than none. Not to mention, I have a looong work day tomorrow so I will definitely need the energy for tomorrow. I also needed a good slap in the face with some motivation. All in all, I don't think I gained too much. I have decided I'm going to not weight myself until Sunday night; I don't want to ruin any motivation with anger towards myself. For further motivation Sunday will also be the day when I shall post some progress pictures up to reassure that I stick to it! I'm really having a hard time with not purging lately which really is no good :( I've got to figure a way to help myself from doing it so if anyone has suggestions I would absolutely love them!

Sorry to sound like such a failure with restriction lately. I feel like I've let myself as well as all you girls out there down; it was not my intention. I'll make it up to everyone, myself included, by Sunday. That's a promise!

109..

Mmkay...where to start...
I suppose the best part to start at is where the binge started at. Everything was going fine and dandy with the diet as well as me keeping to my restriction. Actually, it was going more than okay. I was finally stepping into restriction without the need to binge and purge, and really enjoying myself and the new adoration I was acquiring. It wasn't long before the owner came in during my shift, whom I am very close with - I would consider him almost an Uncle to me, and we get to talking about life problems. Usually I am more than happy to enclose this information with him, but lately his prying hasn't been anything more than an annoyance. I just want everyone to leave me to make my own decisions. Is that really so much to ask for considering it is MY life? Well, I ended up crying in front of him for goodness sake! I suppose one of the downsides of restriction is that it can really toy with the upkeep pertaining to my emotions. I knew he felt bad for thinking it was his fault, though it really wasn't; I was just frustrated at him, and for me the breaking point of any emotion is tears. I've always been that way. Don't know why but I HATE it. Emotions are such a drag, but making them apparent to others is even more of a drag. So, to cut it short, it ended in him taking me out for sushi. I knew it was the beginning of the end the second the invite came out of his mouth. I tried so man excuses, but he wasn't budging so I ended up caving. I ate. After we were done I chugged some water and headed to the nearest gas station (I know, gross, but I was desperate) to purge. Nothing - I couldn't get anything up. Pissed would be an understatement of how I felt, but I continued on my day with a little retail therapy. And guess what? I WAS A SIZE 0!!!! I even tried on a pair of 00 jeans and they fit. I was so ecstatic. I'll post pictures of all the cute clothing I got a little later if I feel up to it.
But despite how accomplished I felt about my progress, I continued to eat. My trip to Houston for my cousin's baby shower was nothing short of a food mishap disaster. I don't know what it is about family gatherings, but I become a bit of a bingaholic. I felt full the ENTIRE time I was down there. My little sister, whom I absolutely adore, decided to tag along with me. Since we couldn't leave the house and start heading over there until we got off of work around 7pm(and the trip takes about 4 hours), we decided to rent a cheap motel and stay the night there whilst having girly fun. And eating sinfully good pizza which I have never really been a fan of. Strangely enough, it was the best pizza I've had in my ENTIRE life. Hands. Down. Thank the Lord for Domino's and their new garlic crust! Of course, after wards, I proceeded to take a shower and purge. Again, nothing was coming up so I tried the toothbrush trick. Worked like magic. I can't describe the comfort I get from purging sometimes. It's like a second chance. Once out of the shower, I was determined not to ruin the second chance I got. Especially due to the fact they were so hard to come by lately. And I'm sure everyone has realized the pattern I have adapted in this recent chain of events so naturally I failed the very next day. It would probably be easier if I named the things I didn't eat on this trip, but I'll save me the embarrassment as well as you the time. All you need to know is by the time I returned home I was in such a panic I wouldn't even use the bathroom the scale is located in until today. I am relieved that it read 109. It's no 107 by no means, but I'm back on track with another lesson learned and under my belt. I'm sorry I haven't gotten on and blogged but I've been too ashamed to do so until now. My apologizes. As for progress pictures go, I will post some when I get to 105. Which WILL be in the near future. It's the least I owe all you 15 patient darlings:)

107.4

As of this morning. I've had my sweet tarts for the day and unfortunately I'm on the verge of fainting (Not really, it just feels that way. I hope hah). Good thing is that its already 5:30 which means only an hour and a half left of work. And all the hard stuff is over with. So all I have left is sitting here and occasionally getting up to do something. I really just hope that I'm able to hold off from eating anything until tomorrow. I have a bunch of healthy foods - light yogurt, egg white, vegetables, fruit. I just can't bring myself to eat them lately. I know I have been eating CANDY off all things, but it translates differently in my head for some reason. It's like powdered sugar and I guess I just feel that it speeds up my metabolism and gives me energy. And most importantly does NOT give my that full feeling. I did, however, break down earlier and have a light yogurt at 60 calories. I made sure to take half an hour to eat the thing though. God forbid I shovel it down my throat like a little piggy.

In other news, I have to meet up with the ex tonight to get the rest of my stuff from him. I hope he doesn't try and give my some ultimatum or something. I really would just like to be left alone. Then I think I'll pop a few melatonin pills and be off to bed. I hope I'm 106 by tomorrow, it would be lovely.

108.2

Read the scale this morning. I wish I would have been 107, but I can deal with 108 - gladly at that. I'm tired of being so negative. I'm tired of being surrounded by negativity. It's just makes life soo blehhh.

My ex is trying pretty desperately to get back together. I don't want to. I tell him this. He tells me I don't know what I want. He is wrong.

I feel like everyone does know what they want. I mean, think about it. When you are 3, before you care what anyone thinks of you, you know what you want. You have no problem pointing at something and saying "mine", crying and throwing a tantrum TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. The older you get, the more people you have just sitting there, brain washing you, telling you what you want. I'm fed up with it. I'm sick of people trying to manipulate me and my life by telling me what I want. When, in reality, it's what they want - because is brings some beneficial subsidence to their life. Like I'm some sort of idiot that can see what they're doing. It pains me to know people are so prone to fall into others wishes, into self-destruction. I'm sure if you're reading this that last line would have been adequately labeled ironic. But at least I'm choosing it for myself - no others involved. Anywaysss...

It's about 7pm. And I'm hungry. I have already eaten my sweet tarts for the day. Tea for dinner sounds good. I would have cabbage soup, but I've acquired a very strange fear of real food in the past few days. I am far too scared to eat it at the moment.

Welp.

Broke up with the boyfriend, finally. It started off not very well, but I think it ended on a pretty good note so that's swell and dandy. I forgot that he has a few possessions of mine so we still have to meet up again for him to give them to me. During the standard argument that follows a break up he proceeded to tell me that "You're scared to get too close to people". And you know what, I've always kinda felt that way until he pointed it out. I've realized that I'm not too afraid to get too close to anyone - I just so happen to be very particular to whom I decide to get too close with. I LIKE being by myself. It frustrated me that people often read it that way. That just because someone relishes, or prefers, time alone that they are afraid of something. When really in reality its just a different interest.

On a more interesting note, I've been doing fairly well with the restricting. I had 150 calories worth of Sweet Tarts throughout today and did the same for yesterday. Even though they aren't that low in calorie, I feel that the sugar keeps me going far longer than a small salad or anything of that assortment. I've also found these wonderful tasting cocoa mixes that are only 20 calories per packet! They are great in hot water, or even in a cup of coffee. When I weighed myself this morning i was 108.4, but I'm hoping by tomorrow it will be somewhere in the 107s. My, once again, new UGW is now 100. I would be happy with 102 - as random as that number is. I just don't know how much longer I can go without my parents making me eat. They haven't really said too much about it lately, but I know they are growing very suspicious of me skipping dinner and what not. I'll just have to make my social life seem full so I won't have to be around during dinner time. Maybe I'll start reading some at starbucks or something. Take walks, SOMETHINGGG.

Wellllll, that's all I have for now. You girlies enjoy this week and make the most of it :))))

110.4, yeyuhh (;

I'm so very glad to be able to say I have once again hit the 110 mark :) Hopefully this time I won't get to be out of the 110 range unless its going under. We will just have to see about that. I feel like it has been perfectly placed in my week too. I work 8:30am-5pm tomorrow and then I have Sunday off, WOO!!! I want to pretty much fast as soon as I get off of work tomorrow for about 24 hours I suppose. I'll need to make a list of the things I need to get done so I will be distracted from screwing up my progress. I remember when 110 was my UGW. It's now 105, maybe even 100, but I doubt I'd be able to get away with that in this house. Then again, I am the one paying the bills since my parents are out of work. So all in all, there isn't much they can do if you really put the situation into perspective; I just hate to disappoint them any further:/ ...

I was going to skip a semester at school and take up a second thought, but thinking on it a bit more I really shouldn't. I'd have the energy for school, but I most certainly would not have enough energy for another job. The only way to muster enough energy up for that would mean upping my daily calories which is NOT going to happen. Soooo, I guess I really need to figure out how I'm going to pay for that, even if it is only one or two classes. I feel that I'd be doing a lot better in school now that I have stopped smoking. I have such a clear head and much more ambition for my academics. I was going to major in something in health, but it would be quite a contradiction. I have such a passion for fashion, but it's just so competitive. I don't know; whatever is meant to happen will happen.

Boyfriend wise, I have finally decided that I'm going to break up with him. Any suggestions on what to say?? I'm terrible at these sorts of things so ANY advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Work yesterday was pretty exhausting. The a/c was out, and for those who have never lived through a Texas summer - its pretty terrible. Probably one of the only things I don't care for when it comes it Texas. It was 107 outside. 101 inside. I thought I was going to kill over the entire time. I also work at a drycleaners so that didn't help with the heat situation, having pressing machines giving off extra heat and all. I swear if it's not working by tomorrow's shift I'm NOT working; I know I probably sound ridiculous, but I don't even care. I'm so sick of working for the owner. He is cheap and lazy. If HE was the one having to work, you better believe that thing would have been fixed the instant it went out. One good thing about the a/c going out was the fact that I sweated my butt off. I have decided not to weigh myself except for on Fridays - it motivates me to work as hard as I can to see a difference. Sundays are my days off so I think I will try my absolute hardest to eat nothing- 200 calories tops. I don't need the energy that day so I can afford to be weak and slump around.
In other news, I'm supposed to hang out with the boyfriend tonight. I hate making that hour drive. Quite honestly, I don't even know if I want a boyfriend. I just want time to myself, to be left alone, which is already sparingly in comparison to how much I'd like. And there are some points where I like him, yet most of the time I can't help but to perceive him as a selfish little brat, caring nor having any consideration for anyone unless it affects him indirectly. I'm just so bad with these break-up sort of things; I should really consider growing a pair already. Though some of me feels like it's just my ED telling me I want to be left alone. It's odd to think that something like an ED could be considered "fun", much less relaxing. It is what it is I suppose.

Well, that's life at the moment. I'll update and add on later if I feel that anything extra needs to be added.

Where to start, where to start..

On Sunday I ended up ruining my 112 point with a mega binge which included the following: 4 hot dogs with the works, an ENTIRE bad of cheddar and sour cream chips, a shittonna candy, and a hella wine. I told myself, once again, that I would wait to weigh myself until Friday. Unfortunately, I was asked by my boyfriend to stay the night last night, and I felt extremely bloated so I just had to weigh myself. I was 116.4! After like 2 days almost of being good! Dear Lord, what a terrible idea that was. But at the same time it was ingenious; I didn't want to eat the entire rest of the day or when I proceeded to go over to my boyfriend's house as well. And he made delicious lasagna with cheese garlic bread - probably one of my biggest weaknesses. Did I have any? No (: I didn't have anything except for gum and black coffee while I stayed there. I was pretty proud of myself. And ever since Sunday, I've wanted to binge, but now that I feel I'm on a roll I don't want to ruin anything.

What sucked about last night? Well just to fill you in a little first, we decided that we weren't going to have sex until we were both sure of everything - giving no room for regret, the feeling of being used, or guilt which is pretty much all I've felt after having sex. I'm also a pretty morally sound person believe it or not. Not that having sex juristics that you aren't, but I just don't go around having one night stands or anything. Sex is not an obligation of being a girlfriend in my option, It is something that has to be earned through trust and time. Anyways, (sorry if it's a little on the graphic side) it slipped in for like 10 seconds supposedly. I didn't even notice until after I blew him off and he told me hahah. I feel awful about it. I was already tired and didn't feel like getting jiggy with it. I was just doing it for his satisfaction. Awful does not do justice whatsoever to how terrible I feel. Guilt and regret are there. For sure. It's funny how innocence works, isn't it? You are so embarrassed of it when you are younger, but you miss it terribly the older you get. Things are so simple when you are innocent. I spent the whole night tossing and turning, waiting for my alarm to go off at 5:30 so I could just get away. I blamed my lack of sleep on my deprivation of food, which was partly the reason, but by no means fully the reason.
Guilt turns to blame. Blame turns to starvation. Starvation turns into weight loss. I'm sure most of you are reading this and thinking "Get yourself to-fucking-gether! You are over-reacting you idiot!" That is, if anyone is reading. I suppose I am, but I can't help it. I feel like I disappointed him. I disappointed myself. I disappointed my parents. I disappointed God. Always and forever, right Becky? You will never be true to anything. Failure will always be with you.

So I weighed in on Friday at 112. I feel soooo relieved; I was frightful of stepping on the scale and seeing 114 or higher. I also have been keeping a written journal of what I eat, and it seems to be much more effective in the sense of keeping me on track in comparison to online blogging. I've always been a pen and paper kind of gal. I just sit at home at night and write down what I am to have the next day, at what time. I also write down my daily reflections and improvements during that time. Don't get me wrong, I don't know where I would be without this way to vent, much less reading everyones daily, bi-daily, or what have you, monologues. They keep me sane :) I quite enjoy life at the moment - the planning and successful executions. I've been fairly decent at it recently.
I find it oddly interesting that someone could find being alone the ultimate serenity. It's so calm and peaceful. I do not find the aspect of being alone depressing in the slightest manner. I dream of being alone often. In fact,  if I had an infinite supply of money, I think I would be fine with the average house, in an average place, filled with ordinary average things. I suppose I'm an average girl, and I am content with that. I prefer quiet in comparison with noise or music. I prefer staying in one place rather than going out or traveling. I suppose that could also qualify me as boring. Yet in the same sense, I still enjoy conversations, as long as they thrive between witty people. Strange as it would seem, I'm not shy - not in the least bit. I feel like my entire being is a contradiction to itself. I would guess that everyone is in a way. maybe that's why everyone is always in a constant battle with themselves. I wonder if the key to happiness is to just accept the fact that you will never be anything more than a contradiction. And the key to patience is the acceptance that others can be quite contradicting in actions and moralistic views as well..?
Oh, who knows.

I'm supposed to go shopping today with my little sister and cousin. I'm going to buy one article of clothing that is TO DIE FOR in a size 1 (if its a pair of pants) and the shirt I'll probably just keep as a small unless the style is okay for an x-small. I would buy a size zero, but it's just not in my genetics. i have pretty huge hips. And the funny thing is, I used to hate them with every fiber of my being. I mean hate the mother fuckers, but for some odd reason I've taken a liking to them lately. Probably because it accentuates how small my waist is, or something along those lines. It's going to be tricky losing more weight without my parents or siblings saying something about it. They have  shut up recently. I'm guessing its because I've been hovering around this weight for a few weeks now - I dropped over 10 pounds pretty quickly the past previous weeks. Maybe they even bought the whole "its because I stopped smoking" excuse. Either way, I'm going to have to tip toe around this one.

My boyfriend has noticed too. We haven't been dating long enough for him to say anything about it though. I thought he liked it, but now it seems that he might think I'm a little too skinny. Worst case scenario: he breaks up with me which means more alone time - FUCK YEAHHH:) !!!

Wrapping it up, I have 7 pounds to go. I wish I had some sort of occasion to ready myself for. I'm not sure if i'll be partaking in school this semester because I'm broke. We shall see though..

Back from the family reunion

I had reached 110 by wednesday morning and then I binged probably two times. I wasn't able to purge - my body hasnt been letting me recently. So needless to say, I was around 114 for the family reunion. I got there and ate. And ate. And ATE. AND ATE. I'm too scared to get on the scale. Scratch that I'm terrified to step on the scale. Scared beyond tears, Scared beyond positive reasoning. My boyfriend wants to see me tonight. And I'm fat. He will notice, I know it. The difference of my small 112lbs waist in comparison to probably a 120 waist is undeniable. I know he has noticed my recent weight loss; unlike everyone else, he likes it. Maybe even as much as I do. He kept telling me how beautiful I was the last time I saw him, how he loved that my legs looked a mile long. How I looked like a Victoria Secret model ( Irony here: Alessandra Ambrosio is my ULTIMATE thinspo - she is 112lbs at 5'9) I loved the feeling of prancing around his room in my underwear, teasing him with my protruding hip bones and my flat stomach. I loved liking my body. I want to be strong, brush off my shoulders, and start over again. Take the challenge on with a senile smile, knowing that I can easily conquer it again and reach 110. Reach 105. Be skinny. Be perfect. Be thin. But my confidence in this is stunned by the fact that I have to show everyone what I lost. Show my boyfriend. Show my coworkers. Show my family. I'm so crushed but absolutely numb at the same time. It's just an indescribable feeling. Or lack of feeling maybe would describe it better? I don't know. All I know is I will be skinny again. To do this I will....
1. Make a spreadsheet tonight of my planned meals for the rest of the week.
2. Walk a minumun of 2.5 miles in the morning and at the end of the day. If I know I will be unable to make the walk at night because of boyfriend obligations, walk the full 5 miles in the morning.
3. When I recieve my paycheck this friday, I will invest in some puma tone up shoes. Always gets me motivated.
4. School will be starting soon so I would like to start a clothing fund for it, taking out of my paychecks until I reach  desirable weight.
I will weigh myself on..... let's say friday. That'll give me time to lose weight so I'll never even know how much I've gained. Some things are just better left unknown (;

I hope everyone is doing okay. Even though I don't know any of you, much talk to any of you, I've missed having someone listen. So thank you all. Very much. It always means a lot. Also, if any of you have tips on good low cal foods, good exercises, or anything it would be much appreciated. Let's all make a strong effort for a good productive week:)

112.4

I reached 112.4 this morning. I'm pretty happy with myself. I really think I will be able to reach 110 by the time I go to the lake for my family reunion this weekend. I think I might set a harder goal to obtain..maybe just any number below 110. That would be quite the achievement. I am, however, pretty worried how I'm going to keep the weight of while I'm there. The last night (Sunday) we have a "pot luck" dinner. Everyone cooks something delicious and we sit down as a family and pig out. Oh, how my family absolutely disgusts me sometimes. Everyone probably eats more than 2000 calories in a sitting. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. My cousin who is the same age as I am will be attached to my hip; it doesn't help that she knows I have eating problems. It would be one thing if she was concerned for me, but it is completely selfishly motivated (isn't it rare that it isn't?). I'll manage. somehow. I think at this point I've made so much progress that I'm willing to give her the good ol' "Fuck YOU". Always seems to do the trick.
Which brings me to my next point, my mother is completely on to me. I was walking to my seat at church and she leaned over to my older sister and told her "Someone besides me needs to tell her she looks anorexic!". Later my sister heard her over talking with my father about an intervention. BHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH - what a jokeeee. Again, it would be one thing if it was out of concern, but it is selfishly motivated. Though she has never admitted it, I know she struggled with eating problems and, in my opinion, she still does to this day. Her weight yo-yos and boyyy she can call 'em when she sees 'em. Eating disordered people can tell when other people are also eating disordered with much more accuracy than the average person; probably because we know the symptoms. Luckily, the siblings seem to be on my side. They can tell I've lost weight, but they think it's because I've had to stop smoking pot:) I find it funny that last time I weighed this amount, everyone was freaking out saying how disgusting I look. Yet now that I'm older, no one (family wise) has said anything about me looking too thin. which tells me 110 is just average looking. Skinny, not thin. Skinny, not frail. Skinny, not delicate. 105 it is, for sure.
I also got comments from my coworkers. My manager, who is like an uncle to me, told me that I was looking a little thin and that I don't need to "go anorexic" on him. I feel bad honestly. He is one person that I hate letting down. He is always there for me when I need him. Financially, emotionally, EVERYTHING. I mean, that motherfucker would bail me outta jail at 3AM in the morning status. It's completely not a sexual relationship; he really is just like an uncle. So it sucks that I'm going to have to put him through this, but I can't let it go. Before he even said anything to me, another coworker asked if I was on a diet because it looked like I was losing weight. I kinda just don't get it though. Is there really that big of a difference? Why can't I see what they fucking see? It would make things a hellllll of a lot easier on me.

Oh well I suppose. I've always like a challenge:)

There is no such thing as being too skinny

I don't think so anyways. I guess I just think frail is a good thing hahh. So I've decided not to do the SGD. I ended up saving two different caloric schedules that are different so its fucked up already anyways. I think I'll just have 500 be my limit; this also means that I don't get 500, it's just my limit. 500 tops. In emergencies. 500.
So I got my first "you're looking to skinny" comment from my mother. I'm soooo stoked. She said I was starting to look anorexic (which is NOT true being 113 at 5'7. Skinny, maybe. Thin, NO). She said I was looking a little sick, and the bones in my shoulders were starting to perturb. I was caught off guard so all I could come up with was "they've always been like this." (on the back of my right shoulder ive always had a bone sticking out, idk why hah? but i lovelovelove it. It's beautiful) What a terrible excuse! You think I would have been ready with an excuse, but what can you really say when your parents know you've been dieting? They can't really do much about it though if it comes down to it. They are broke as a joke - we (my brother, sisters, and I have been paying the bills). I really just have a ridiculous amount of love and respect for them, that it breaks my heart to let them down. It's so gratifying when someone tells you that. I hate it being like that too. I don't want attention for this, its not why I'm doing this. I seriously just want everyone to leave me alone. My dream life as of lately would be sitting in my room, alone, concentrating and  reaching this goal. It sounds depressing, but it would be lovely.
I went to the boyfriend's house on Tuesday. I know he loves how small I've been getting. I could tell; he kept grasping his hands around my waist, hard too. Like he was astonished he could wrap his hands around so far around my small waist. It made me proud, like I was finally accomplishing something. I cant imagine how awesome it will feel being 105. I can't wait. I am oh so excited for the future:)

As a side note, I have a family reunion coming up in exactly a week and I would like to be 110 for it. Seems do-able to me seeing as I weighed in this morning at 113, WOOOOOO! Wish me luck!

Good ol' plateau

I ended up not only walking that 5 miles, but added on an extra 2. Bringing the total to 9 miles (adding the two other miles from the AM). I did treat myself to an ice pop; I thought I might faint if I didn't. And I woke up to 114.4 on Thursday. Again. I wasn't heartbroken. I MUCH rather see the same number than a higher one, but it's just a tad bit disappointing when you worked so hard and were expecting to lose. I guess that just goes to show that you should never expect anything from life. So Thursday my limit was 300. I had some salad topped with a bunch of veggie - NO dressing. Dressing scares me quite frankly, and is completely not worth it. A peach which was probably around 75 calories. And some pretzels at 110. I fucking love pretzels. Sooooo good. As weird as it sounds they are even better with mustard. And my sister let me have 2 gummy bears as well. bringing the total to around 300. I know what my problem is though. I NEED to plan what I eat and stick to it! I got paid today and went grocery shopping so I actually have good diet food to eat. I must say, I'm pretty excited:))))))
Oh, and i finally broke down and got some diet pills. Ive been trying not to because I'm paranoid of having heart failure so hopefully I dont drop dead. If I do, its been a good life hah (;
I have to run to work, so I'll catch up on anything else lataaa!

Sorryyy....

for the previous meltdown. I'm back to normal...ish hah. Anyways, I have decided to start the skinny girl diet (once again). This time around I feel it will be much more sucessful due to the fact that I am no longer smoking pot. So my weigh in this morning was 114.4. It's crazy how one binge can throw away so much hard work. For some reason, I kinda like it like that. It makes it harder, which makes success that much sweeter. 110 for a goal weight sounds okay, but looking in the mirror I'm sure that's far bigger than I'm wanting to look. So I'm gonna go ahead and bump that number down to 105 for now and see how that goes. Here's my daily intake for the last two days..( I started Monday, but haven't been posting due to my schedule. That really is becoming quite the bad habit.)


Day 1 (Monday): 400
Orange - 75 calories
Chicken Noodle Soup -  120 calories
Pickles - 10 calories
Ice pops - 50 calories
Peanuts - 160 calories
Exercise - Speed walking 5.36 miles
Total: 415 calories

Day 2 (Tuesday): 300
Orange: 75 calories
Strawberries: 50 calories
Honeydew: 100 calories
Cheese Stick: 80 calories
Exercise: none :(
Total : 305 calories

Day 3 (Today/ Wednesday): 400
Orange - 75 calories
Orange Bell Pepper - 25 calories
Some Peanut M&Ms - 50 calories
Planning on having....
Rice with bell peppers and onions: 200 calories
Total: 350 calories
I already walked 2 miles this morning and I'm planning on walking at least 4 tonight. I would like to walk for 5, but we will see how this goes. And if I have what I'm supposed to for dinner, I think I'll treat myself to an ice pop. Those things are dammed amazin' and they say they are 30 calories, but I just round them to 50 because there is NO way something that sugary and good could be 30 calories hahh.
Anyways, I'll try and keep up with updating so if i don't feel free to bitch at me :)

SOINCREDIBLYPISSED

at myself! I weighed in this morning and I was 113! It's probably been over a year since I weighed that. and what the fuck did I do? I ruined it! I went to sonic and proceeded to munch on a quarter pound chili cheese coney, a grilled cheese, and onion rings. How disgusting. The whole time I was thinking why am I eating this? it tastes soooo gross! But I paid money for it so i figured why not? Plus, I had the drunk munchies. I, of course, was planning on purging, but for some odd reason my body wouldn't let me. I stood over that damned toliet for a whole 30 minutes before I accepted the fact that it just wasnt going to happen. I don't want to be seen. I don't want to leave my room. And I don't want to get on the scale. What have I done? I'm seriously freaking out!sdfjhadkfhkaifmehyseuriefnsdjfashfafbakdjf

Okay. Calm down. You can fix it. I can fix it....right? I'll just have to exercise tonight like there ain't no tomorra. I already took some laxatives. I guess the best way to learn a lesson is the hard way.

Gah, I just can't get over it. You dumb fuck. You dumb worthless fuck.

124.5, still.

So the baseball game was alright. I've never had to sit through such hot weather, from what I can remember. It was completely ridiculous. I absolutely hate sweating in front of the opposite sex, or in front of anyone for that matter (with exception to the gym). It makes be feel disgustinggg. I suppose when its all said and done I didn't mind it too much just because I knew that it'd help me knock off some extra weight (even if it is just water weight). The whole game I spent coaching myself to not eat when I returned home, and if I were to eat, it would be a salad or something light.

Well, I come home around 12:30ish (I can not eat throughout the day pretty easy, but its the night when my binge side really comes out), and I find myself at the refrigerator with ease. I swear even if I were blind, I'd know where that dammed thing was. I started out with some celery and ranch (I know ranch is the devil, but I figured I could allow myself a treat for being so good as to not eat anything the whole day). Needless to say, it was the beginning of the end. I followed it with a bowl of cereal, then some oatmeal, and finished it off with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I never much cared for peanut butter and jelly as a kid. I feel that the second I knew I couldn't have it due to the horrific calories they contain, I fell in love with them. The same goes for about every fatty food that's out there. Funny how humans are; we always want what we can't have.

I woke up this morning and treated myself to another bowl of oatmeal and then proceeded to go weight myself. Why i decided to do it in that particular order is beyond me. I know I should be disappointed in myself, but I'm not. Probably because I was expecting far worse than that. Oh well, today is a new day. A second chance. I really feel like jogging and that's the first thing I'm going to do when I get home. I just hope I still feel like it by the time I get off work.

On another more broad note, I feel like something is holding me back from really falling into my friendship with ana and mia. I mean the way people look at you. Not society in general, i could give a rats ass what they think. Its more of my family and boyfriend. It really fucked some things over for my sister and I the first time around, we've never been the same. And I think she is getting suspicious. I know its wrong of my to feel irritated towards her lack of understanding; I wouldn't have understanding nor sympathy for those struggling with this problem if I wasn't facing it myself, in all honesty. It's a terrible thing to say, but in retrospect its logical. To hear someone say they can't eat, something our bodies were made to do naturally, is an outrageous statement. To say that they see themselves as a thousand pounds, when really they are only 100 - sometimes less, sometimes more. Even with all the opposing thoughts, I can't restraint the irritation. I don't want your attention for it, anyone's attention for it. In fact, I would LOVE for you to act like you don't notice. For some reason, she is the only one who can make me feel guilty about it. I can't figure why due to the fact she is a complete bitch about the whole thing. You think it'd make me want to shove it in her face.

Also, my older sister has been trying to lose weight lately. She keeps making comments about how she is "starving" herself. Last night, she made yet another comment. I simply told her "join the rest of women's soceity, well most anyways."
and she replied with "Yeah, except you. You never have to do anything for your body."

ISTHATAMOTHERFUCKINGJOKE. I hate when people say shit to me like that; just because I'm by society's standards "skinny" and have been, I don't do anything. You don't even know. I make time to go to the gym. I exercise at home. I starve. I purge. My mind is is turning its wheels, grasping dieting concepts, plans, etc CONSTANTLY. All whilst you eat what you want, when you want, without remorse until you look in the mirror and see what you see. And THEN you want to complain. THEN you want to whine about how you weren't given a perfect body? Get with the program, it's a part of life. If you want to eat what you want without exercising, you're going to have to deal with being fat. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
I know that I complain about being fat and what not, but I don't act stupid as if I don't know why. The idea of eating and looking good died long ago. My goodness, I must sound like a bitch to you all. I know that everyone has different metabolism rates. It just irritates me when people complain and don't try. And then when I somewhat call them out, they try pointing fingers at me.

Oh, I'm going to stop the rant while I still can. It must be obvious I have no one in my life to vent to hah.

Yayyy, 125.4!! Don't get me wrong, its still a teriible number but its not 127! THANKYOUJESUSSSS! I'm supposed to go to a baseball game with the boyfriend today and its gonna be hot as hell. I was planning on wearing some jean shorts with a plain white tank, but I feel much too big right now to wear that so im kinda stuck. I really don't want to have to deal with feeling fat, but i might not have a choice due to temperatures. I hope this all goes well; he can be extremely irritating sometimes. I have fun with him but, my goodness, he can be such a douche. I wonder if its going to work out even...

Alright. Done with senseless rambling. I hope by the time i get home for my pm weight in to be at 123-point-something. I know two pounds seems like an awful lot, but I have been binging everyday for like a week so it should come off fairly easy (once I get to 120, weight is a bitch to come off). Ah, I'm so excited to be thin again; there really is nothing more comforting in this world than feeling thin. I have a gym membership but I think the plan for me is to eat as little as possible for like a week to get my weight down THEN I'll start going to the gym. I feel, otherwise, i just bulk up with muscle. And I hate going to the gym when i feel fat. There are so many people with beautiful bodies there. I wonder how they get that perfect? I do love them for making it known that its possible to look that good though, that all of this isn't for nothing - those bodies aren't just in the movies and magazines.

Oh, I can't wait.

I want... No, I WILL.

Man, it has been a while. I kinda-ish tried to get this habit off my back after watching some raw food documentary. It really made me think of how badly i was treating my body; I mean if eating processed foods is bad, then binging and purging processed food must really take a toll on your body. I know, DUH. But for some reason it really just hit me.

Of course, that didn't last long. It's back, and could give a fuck less whether its good for my body or not - as long as I'm skinny. I got on the scale and needless to say the rest of my day, hell my life, will be spent on making sure I NEVER see that damn number again (127.6). I didn't break down and cry or have any sort of a meltdown, which is extremely out of character for me. I just feel motivated. Determined. Sure, agony is there, but its overcome by something else. I'm tired of feeling sad and pathetic. It must be extremely unattractive to be so weak. Openly, at least. I'm tired of being the person people perceive me to be. This is no longer a mission of receiving perfection through JUST physique. It's a mission to improve myself ALL TOGETHER.
I want be perfect.
I want to be approachable to people.
I want to be my own person.
I want to control my feelings, my passions.
I want putting people before myself to be habitual.
I want to be responsible.
I want to make my parents proud.
I don't want to be sad.
I don't want to be a bitch, no matter the circumstances
I don't want to be judgmental.
I WANT TO BE SKINNY.
I want to stop complaining about what I want, especially when what I want is obtainable.

I will be perfect.
I will be approachable to people.
I will be my own person.
I will control my feelings, my passions.
I will put people before myself, habitually.
I will be responsible.
I will make my parents proud.
I will not be sad.
I will not be a bitch, no matter the circumstances
I will not be judgmental.
I WILL BE SKINNY.


110, here I come :)

*sighh*

You can always tell when I screwed up with diets - I never have the guts to blog about it. I think it started like 2 weeks ago with family night. I binged like no other and ever since I have been trying to get on track. How'd that work out you ask? Binge 2 days, starve 2 days, etc.
I feel that I'm back on track though (if you can't tell, im blogging about it hah). I feel like if I dont get back on track I will be missing out on the most oppurtune time to lose some weight. I have pretty much no one breatheing down my spine. I have so much time to just be by myself, its wonderful. All I really have to do is concentrate on school and work and I'll be good.

Ohhhh! ANDDD im getting my income taxes back. I'm quite excited since it'll be a little over $1000!!!! I promised myself that I'm not touching any of it for shopping until I'm at 110; so if that isn't motivation enough to lose this damn weight I dont know what is:) I just have to keep my mind in control - not my body. Keep positive. I will, however, get myself an ana bracelet for further motivation. And dammit, I need to keep up with my blog!

Oh, it's bad is it? BITE. ME.

This is going to be random but it just popped in my head so I figure why not hah?

I've never had a lot of friends throughout my whole life; I've always had my sister as my best friend acquaintances at school, but other than that - nada. I never really minded, it was normal for me. I always relished time I had by myself. Then I had my first love and of course was with him every second of every day AND night. So naturally when we broke up I felt lonely, like I had to be hanging out with someone at all times because I had accustomed myself to it. I've come to hate that you know. Why couldn't I just hang out by myself and be cool with it? Anyways, I became a bit depressed from it all and over sensitive when people wanted their space from me.
And then relapse overtook me and you know what? Its the best damn thing that has happened to me in a long time. I love time spent alone again. I feel the best when I'm by myself. I do my homework and am more dedicated to personal responsibilities.  The past few weeks I've been so happy with myself. I mean yeah I dont have the best self image, but its not terrible. Sometimes I feel like eating disorders aren't really a bad thing, its just how society has come to make us percieve them. What if we aren't really unhappy in EDs, they've just brainwashed us into thinking we are? I know looking back at the happiest times in my life, my ED was involved, greatly. It doesn't make me feel weak or ashamed of myself. It makes me feel strong and proud. Fuck anyone who tells me differently. I KNOW how it makes me feel, because it's a part of who I am. I can't believe I have let society and all the other little bastards involved try to tell me how it is when they have never experienced it for themselves. To let them try and convince me that it makes me unhappy. My ED is what drives me to look in that mirror and stare at what I have to change, but its others insight on my ED and what they think an ED is that makes me cry at what I see.

Not anymore. I'm not going to cry about it, because that's exactly what society craves - to prove that it causes despair. I'm going to be ME from now on. I'm going to look in that mirror with pride and determination, no matter what stares back at me.

IFEELLIKEDEATH

Alright, so. I've drafted like 364138957814 posts but i have yet to finish one hah. Now to catch up, lets see....

Okay so first off I decided that the SGD just wasnt working for me. I didnt feel very empowered by the hunger if that makes any sense? So i decided to go ahead and start with the ABC diet. And I'm loving it. I can't even explain how wonderful I feel that im actually doing. There have been so many oppurtunities to binge on AWESOME AMAZING FOOD and i HAVEN'T:)!!! Even after smoking (and that is pretty much the impossible for me).
But on the other hand im too exhaused to celebrate. with work and school I seriously feel like im going to faint sometimes; its getting intense up in this bitch. But i will NOT give up. I've come too far! I havent weighted myself but i have set up days (which are the days after the fasting) to do it. That way, i dont get dicouraged with myself if i see the number that i dont want to see. I started this around 119 pounds so we shall see what happens the first weigh in day. I have a good feeling so far though, i can feel myself getting thinner. Oh, happy day:)
well thats pretty much it. I'll try and post more often. Im just kind of ocd with punctuations, capitalization, spelling, etc. And i know this is lacking all of the above, but fuck it; Im wayyy too drained to care.

MS. EATER

Yep, I was crowned with that wonderful name this morning by my father when I went downstairs. HOWFUCKINGDISGUSTING. I feel soooooo gross and terrible. All I can think about is that feeling I got yesterday when I stepped on that scale. I was so scared from all the straying I had done that I was going to be well into the 120s. And then Phillip said that I was 118. I was given a second chance to redeem myself. And I threw it away for an assortment of cookies, candy, and a hot dog. I have yet to get on that scale again.
But one of the girls on one of the blogs I'm following posted a girls successful ABC diet. It was so inspirational. She went from 150 to 91lbs! I would say she was a lucky girl, but I know better than that. She isn't lucky; She was motivated and deserved every pound she lost if not more. If She can do it why can't I? The only difference is the mind set, not physical boundaries.

Oh, and I've decided to give up drinking and smoking unless it's in a social environment. That way I'll be too embarrassed to eat in front of anyone. I don't have the control over myself yet. I'm sure once my bones are protruding a little better I can use them as the wall between eating and not eating.

I must be terribly annoying with all the empty words that I have. I'm trying. I'm sorry. I just need to get back into the groove of things. I really kind of just need a buddy too. They always help so much.

SGD - DAY 6

So I pretty much don't even know where to start because I feel that so much has happened within the last few days - I really need to set aside time every night or something to blog; it sure helps me rethink the day in order to contemplate my plan of action for the next.

Hm, so let's see.....
Well first off, my diet was going pretty well in accordance with my self control and caloric intake for the day as well as getting my exercise in; I was running 3 miles a day with some ab work and such. But I wasn't losing anything. I was staying on 120 and quite honestly it was completely not motivating and frustrating the fuck out of me. So naturally I just felt like saying screw it and I have been binging and purging pretty damn bad since the end of day 4. Result? I am now 118 and haven't really even been exercising. Awesome I guess? I really, however, did not want to go back to binging and purging though. I feel like a fatass with no sense of control, I feel pathetic.

I just want to be thin. I don't even want it anymore, I need it. It's like I used to look at myself and think "You're not that bad, just shed about 5 pounds, tone up, and you'll be good". Now it's like i can't even comprehend how I could think that. 5 pounds? Chyeahh, off of every body part you possess. I can't even think about anything else anymore except for you should be losing weight faster, you shouldn't be eating that, don't you think you're better than that? Can't you just have control for once you fucking worthless piece of shit? I wish I could have foreseen this years ago, when it all began. I wish my parents wouldn't have let me get fat in the first place. I wouldn't be doing these things, wouldn't be thinking of them. But at the same time I don't think I would part with this for anything. It makes me feel so complete in a sense. It's mine, it's me. It keeps me grounded with humanity. It keeps me sane. Through this sense of sanity is where I find equality with others. I wish I could explain it better, but I've never been good at translating what I think, especially when it comes to feelings, into a coherent and well articulated thought.

But enough with the "woah as me" bullshit. Crying about it won't change it. I have to DO IT.


"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions." 

<3becks

SGD3 - Beast Mode

SGD - Day 3

PROJECTED CALORIE INTAKE: 400 CALORIES
Breakfast: Grapefruit...N/A CAL
Lunch: Cabbage...N/A CAL
Snack: Celery...N/A CAL (I really feel like a cheater not counting these calories. This coming Monday I have to start, too much guilt otherwise.)
Dinner: Lean Cuisine Meal...300CAL

TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE: 300/400 CALORIES

100 calories to spare? HELL YES. Bad news is that I have a movie date tonight...

Note to self: Candy is the devil.

Life and such

Alright so I have some blogging to do to catch up on for the last couple of days. After this entry I think I'll separate the daily caloric intake statistical and my actual life into different entries. Otherwise, I'll be all over the place. The end of SGD day 1 was somewhat of a failure. I went over by 50 calories by the end of the work day. BUT of fucking course that guy I was supposed to hang out with hassled me into getting dessert. I tried using the whole "I already ate so im not very hungry" excuse. So somehow he turned that into "I'm not very hungry for food that I can somewhat budget my calories very well through salads, but I'd absolutely LOVE some fattening, irresistable cheesecake!" The good news is I managed to get some coffee and only eat about a third of a slice. Sure, that still probably a billion calories in itself, but I think I still managed fairly well. I'm trying not to purge on this diet because I know that will be the beginning of the end for me. Plus, I feel like its so damn bad for my body. And it makes me feel like a pathetic failure, like its cheating. Probably because it is.

As for the date aspect of the night, it went great. Almost better than great. We click very well. Which surprises me because I haven't clicked this well with a guy in a looong time. So long I can't completely validate that I have in fact clicked with someone this well. He is suuuper fit though. Which makes me feel like a complete fat ass. I'm glad he is that way because now I'm even more dedicated and determined to this SGD. Bathing suit season is pretty much here so I need to get a move on it.

SGD DAY 2:
Started off very well. All I had was grapefruit and celery. And then my sister surprised me at work with some alcohol. I couldn't resist. I was so close to throwing it away after she left because it was filled with nasty liquid syrupy calories, but I'm weak when it comes to a good buzz. So I drank it. I'll learn from that mistake. It mad me unbearably tired and hungry, black hole status. I came home to stuffed pork chops and asparagus. I managed okay, probably ate around 300 calories worth, which was my limit for the day. Then later on while watching a movie I got into some cheerios and probably had around 200 calories worth of that. Then chicken noodle soup, 150 calories. Then reeses peices, 150 calories. And pepsi, 150 calories. I know, how worthless. I was doing so good why did i have to give it up. I debated on purging it but i decided against it. The pepsi is what really gets me just because its not even that good nor hard to resist.Usually I would feel a lot worse about everything, but I'm feeling in a determined kind of mood. I guess being able to vent is helping a lot. Even if no one is reading.

Day 3, here I come.

<3 becks

SGD - DAY 1

Last night I took all of my weight measurements and such for the beginning of the SGD, and I must say that I'm pretty excited. For the results, of course.

CW: 121
Height: 5'7
GW: 110
UGW:105

The view from the side doesn't repulse me enough to vomit, but the front view is a completely different story. I would love to know where I got my fucking hips and huge ass thighs from.

Anywaysss, I weighed myself this morning and I was 119.8, awesome:) Downside is that its only 4PM and I'm hungry. Hunger is power. Hunger IS power. Thank the Lord I'm hanging out with a guy tonight. Being with people= NO EATING; I despise eating in front of people with a burning passion, especially guys.

Now for the food stats. Drum roll please....

PROJECTED CALORIE INTAKE FOR DAY 1: 400 CAL

Breakfast: Fuck breakfast, makes me hungrier throughout the day.
Snack: Celery and carrots (I'm not going to start counting fruits or vegetables until I'm at least a week or two into this)...N/A CAL
Lunch: Peanuts (I know loaded with fatfatfat BUT I did get the ones in the shell so it keeps me preoccupied and takes longer to eat)...160 CAL
Snack: Grapefruit (I would highly suggest this fruit because, again, it takes a lot of time to peel everything off.)...N/A CAL
 Dinner: Lean Cuisine meal...290 CAL

TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE: 450/400

Over by 50 CAL, dammit. Guess that'll teach me to think ahead, I was just soo tired last night. AND i had not done any of my grocery shopping. WILL DO TONIGHT. I'll just have to work off the extra calories through cardio.