Where to start, where to start..

On Sunday I ended up ruining my 112 point with a mega binge which included the following: 4 hot dogs with the works, an ENTIRE bad of cheddar and sour cream chips, a shittonna candy, and a hella wine. I told myself, once again, that I would wait to weigh myself until Friday. Unfortunately, I was asked by my boyfriend to stay the night last night, and I felt extremely bloated so I just had to weigh myself. I was 116.4! After like 2 days almost of being good! Dear Lord, what a terrible idea that was. But at the same time it was ingenious; I didn't want to eat the entire rest of the day or when I proceeded to go over to my boyfriend's house as well. And he made delicious lasagna with cheese garlic bread - probably one of my biggest weaknesses. Did I have any? No (: I didn't have anything except for gum and black coffee while I stayed there. I was pretty proud of myself. And ever since Sunday, I've wanted to binge, but now that I feel I'm on a roll I don't want to ruin anything.

What sucked about last night? Well just to fill you in a little first, we decided that we weren't going to have sex until we were both sure of everything - giving no room for regret, the feeling of being used, or guilt which is pretty much all I've felt after having sex. I'm also a pretty morally sound person believe it or not. Not that having sex juristics that you aren't, but I just don't go around having one night stands or anything. Sex is not an obligation of being a girlfriend in my option, It is something that has to be earned through trust and time. Anyways, (sorry if it's a little on the graphic side) it slipped in for like 10 seconds supposedly. I didn't even notice until after I blew him off and he told me hahah. I feel awful about it. I was already tired and didn't feel like getting jiggy with it. I was just doing it for his satisfaction. Awful does not do justice whatsoever to how terrible I feel. Guilt and regret are there. For sure. It's funny how innocence works, isn't it? You are so embarrassed of it when you are younger, but you miss it terribly the older you get. Things are so simple when you are innocent. I spent the whole night tossing and turning, waiting for my alarm to go off at 5:30 so I could just get away. I blamed my lack of sleep on my deprivation of food, which was partly the reason, but by no means fully the reason.
Guilt turns to blame. Blame turns to starvation. Starvation turns into weight loss. I'm sure most of you are reading this and thinking "Get yourself to-fucking-gether! You are over-reacting you idiot!" That is, if anyone is reading. I suppose I am, but I can't help it. I feel like I disappointed him. I disappointed myself. I disappointed my parents. I disappointed God. Always and forever, right Becky? You will never be true to anything. Failure will always be with you.