Oh. Gosh.

I don't even know where to start...
I lost my only friend today (other than my sister). I just feel so fucking lost lately. We got in the most ridiculous immature fight. She acts like a 4 year old to get what she wants and throws fits. I can't even start to explain how horrid she has gotten with her treatment of others. Anyways, she threw a fit to get what she wanted the other day, and unlike everyone else I didn't let her have her way. I'm so damn sick of her treating people the way she does and just getting away with it. So she ended up texting me later and bitching me out. So I told her she needs to start treating people better. And she said she was "done with me". I don't really care in all honesty due to the fact she acts like a damn 4 year old, but I was supposed to go to a concert (my first concert) in the next week or so, but since her mother is the ride I suppose that's out of the question. My sister who gets treated like shit by her just stood by and watched instead of helping me out because she has no fucking balls.

I went on my second date with a guy tonight. He is so charming, but a player. It's funny, because I keep telling myself that maybe he isn't. He tried to have sex with me. I ended up just giving him head. I feel so disgusted and used. I knew what he was doing when he was doing it, yet I didn't stick up for myself. He kept saying "you're so small, I love it" which made me want to cry more. Because it just makes me feel more lost. I don't have anyone to talk to. At this point I don't even want anyone to talk to. I just want a shoulder to cry on. I just want someone to tell me it's okay. I want them to say I'm beautiful and mean it. I want someone to say they love me. I want someone to know that I'm still here.


And that I'm sorry.

Sorry for my leave..

I've been far too ashamed to come on here again and again with consistent failures. But, I feel that without having to confirm my lack of self control I'm gaining no accountability thus rendering my future successes from happening. I have been binging and purging to a terrible degree, and I have come to the conclusion that for me to get anywhere with the weight loss I need to cut it out completely. This means no doing it for a reward for reaching a certain weight because this only invigorates my love for food further sending me into my infamous binge/purge mode that only, sadly, results in a weight gain from the lack of ability to purge from over-exhaustion and use of this same ability.

I would like to be 105 by September 29th; I have a concert this day and would like to be somewhat confident in myself so I can have fun for once instead of worrying about how fat I am. Also, I would like to be 100/102 by October 14th (my 21st birthday). In order to do this in such little time I have decided that I will go on a liquid only diet. Sooooo, I guess we will see how this goes. I will take my measurement tonight and post them on here to track my progress. I have become a whale in such a short period of time. I WILL make it up. I know what triggers me into eating an ungodly amount though so I will need to compose a draft of ways around it to optimize my weight loss.

I'll post again with my stats, etc.

wish me luck, i'm gonna need it!!