SGD - DAY 6

So I pretty much don't even know where to start because I feel that so much has happened within the last few days - I really need to set aside time every night or something to blog; it sure helps me rethink the day in order to contemplate my plan of action for the next.

Hm, so let's see.....
Well first off, my diet was going pretty well in accordance with my self control and caloric intake for the day as well as getting my exercise in; I was running 3 miles a day with some ab work and such. But I wasn't losing anything. I was staying on 120 and quite honestly it was completely not motivating and frustrating the fuck out of me. So naturally I just felt like saying screw it and I have been binging and purging pretty damn bad since the end of day 4. Result? I am now 118 and haven't really even been exercising. Awesome I guess? I really, however, did not want to go back to binging and purging though. I feel like a fatass with no sense of control, I feel pathetic.

I just want to be thin. I don't even want it anymore, I need it. It's like I used to look at myself and think "You're not that bad, just shed about 5 pounds, tone up, and you'll be good". Now it's like i can't even comprehend how I could think that. 5 pounds? Chyeahh, off of every body part you possess. I can't even think about anything else anymore except for you should be losing weight faster, you shouldn't be eating that, don't you think you're better than that? Can't you just have control for once you fucking worthless piece of shit? I wish I could have foreseen this years ago, when it all began. I wish my parents wouldn't have let me get fat in the first place. I wouldn't be doing these things, wouldn't be thinking of them. But at the same time I don't think I would part with this for anything. It makes me feel so complete in a sense. It's mine, it's me. It keeps me grounded with humanity. It keeps me sane. Through this sense of sanity is where I find equality with others. I wish I could explain it better, but I've never been good at translating what I think, especially when it comes to feelings, into a coherent and well articulated thought.

But enough with the "woah as me" bullshit. Crying about it won't change it. I have to DO IT.


"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions." 

<3becks