So I weighed in on Friday at 112. I feel soooo relieved; I was frightful of stepping on the scale and seeing 114 or higher. I also have been keeping a written journal of what I eat, and it seems to be much more effective in the sense of keeping me on track in comparison to online blogging. I've always been a pen and paper kind of gal. I just sit at home at night and write down what I am to have the next day, at what time. I also write down my daily reflections and improvements during that time. Don't get me wrong, I don't know where I would be without this way to vent, much less reading everyones daily, bi-daily, or what have you, monologues. They keep me sane :) I quite enjoy life at the moment - the planning and successful executions. I've been fairly decent at it recently.
I find it oddly interesting that someone could find being alone the ultimate serenity. It's so calm and peaceful. I do not find the aspect of being alone depressing in the slightest manner. I dream of being alone often. In fact,  if I had an infinite supply of money, I think I would be fine with the average house, in an average place, filled with ordinary average things. I suppose I'm an average girl, and I am content with that. I prefer quiet in comparison with noise or music. I prefer staying in one place rather than going out or traveling. I suppose that could also qualify me as boring. Yet in the same sense, I still enjoy conversations, as long as they thrive between witty people. Strange as it would seem, I'm not shy - not in the least bit. I feel like my entire being is a contradiction to itself. I would guess that everyone is in a way. maybe that's why everyone is always in a constant battle with themselves. I wonder if the key to happiness is to just accept the fact that you will never be anything more than a contradiction. And the key to patience is the acceptance that others can be quite contradicting in actions and moralistic views as well..?
Oh, who knows.

I'm supposed to go shopping today with my little sister and cousin. I'm going to buy one article of clothing that is TO DIE FOR in a size 1 (if its a pair of pants) and the shirt I'll probably just keep as a small unless the style is okay for an x-small. I would buy a size zero, but it's just not in my genetics. i have pretty huge hips. And the funny thing is, I used to hate them with every fiber of my being. I mean hate the mother fuckers, but for some odd reason I've taken a liking to them lately. Probably because it accentuates how small my waist is, or something along those lines. It's going to be tricky losing more weight without my parents or siblings saying something about it. They have  shut up recently. I'm guessing its because I've been hovering around this weight for a few weeks now - I dropped over 10 pounds pretty quickly the past previous weeks. Maybe they even bought the whole "its because I stopped smoking" excuse. Either way, I'm going to have to tip toe around this one.

My boyfriend has noticed too. We haven't been dating long enough for him to say anything about it though. I thought he liked it, but now it seems that he might think I'm a little too skinny. Worst case scenario: he breaks up with me which means more alone time - FUCK YEAHHH:) !!!

Wrapping it up, I have 7 pounds to go. I wish I had some sort of occasion to ready myself for. I'm not sure if i'll be partaking in school this semester because I'm broke. We shall see though..

I want... No, I WILL.

Man, it has been a while. I kinda-ish tried to get this habit off my back after watching some raw food documentary. It really made me think of how badly i was treating my body; I mean if eating processed foods is bad, then binging and purging processed food must really take a toll on your body. I know, DUH. But for some reason it really just hit me.

Of course, that didn't last long. It's back, and could give a fuck less whether its good for my body or not - as long as I'm skinny. I got on the scale and needless to say the rest of my day, hell my life, will be spent on making sure I NEVER see that damn number again (127.6). I didn't break down and cry or have any sort of a meltdown, which is extremely out of character for me. I just feel motivated. Determined. Sure, agony is there, but its overcome by something else. I'm tired of feeling sad and pathetic. It must be extremely unattractive to be so weak. Openly, at least. I'm tired of being the person people perceive me to be. This is no longer a mission of receiving perfection through JUST physique. It's a mission to improve myself ALL TOGETHER.
I want be perfect.
I want to be approachable to people.
I want to be my own person.
I want to control my feelings, my passions.
I want putting people before myself to be habitual.
I want to be responsible.
I want to make my parents proud.
I don't want to be sad.
I don't want to be a bitch, no matter the circumstances
I don't want to be judgmental.
I WANT TO BE SKINNY.
I want to stop complaining about what I want, especially when what I want is obtainable.

I will be perfect.
I will be approachable to people.
I will be my own person.
I will control my feelings, my passions.
I will put people before myself, habitually.
I will be responsible.
I will make my parents proud.
I will not be sad.
I will not be a bitch, no matter the circumstances
I will not be judgmental.
I WILL BE SKINNY.


110, here I come :)