124.5, still.

So the baseball game was alright. I've never had to sit through such hot weather, from what I can remember. It was completely ridiculous. I absolutely hate sweating in front of the opposite sex, or in front of anyone for that matter (with exception to the gym). It makes be feel disgustinggg. I suppose when its all said and done I didn't mind it too much just because I knew that it'd help me knock off some extra weight (even if it is just water weight). The whole game I spent coaching myself to not eat when I returned home, and if I were to eat, it would be a salad or something light.

Well, I come home around 12:30ish (I can not eat throughout the day pretty easy, but its the night when my binge side really comes out), and I find myself at the refrigerator with ease. I swear even if I were blind, I'd know where that dammed thing was. I started out with some celery and ranch (I know ranch is the devil, but I figured I could allow myself a treat for being so good as to not eat anything the whole day). Needless to say, it was the beginning of the end. I followed it with a bowl of cereal, then some oatmeal, and finished it off with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I never much cared for peanut butter and jelly as a kid. I feel that the second I knew I couldn't have it due to the horrific calories they contain, I fell in love with them. The same goes for about every fatty food that's out there. Funny how humans are; we always want what we can't have.

I woke up this morning and treated myself to another bowl of oatmeal and then proceeded to go weight myself. Why i decided to do it in that particular order is beyond me. I know I should be disappointed in myself, but I'm not. Probably because I was expecting far worse than that. Oh well, today is a new day. A second chance. I really feel like jogging and that's the first thing I'm going to do when I get home. I just hope I still feel like it by the time I get off work.

On another more broad note, I feel like something is holding me back from really falling into my friendship with ana and mia. I mean the way people look at you. Not society in general, i could give a rats ass what they think. Its more of my family and boyfriend. It really fucked some things over for my sister and I the first time around, we've never been the same. And I think she is getting suspicious. I know its wrong of my to feel irritated towards her lack of understanding; I wouldn't have understanding nor sympathy for those struggling with this problem if I wasn't facing it myself, in all honesty. It's a terrible thing to say, but in retrospect its logical. To hear someone say they can't eat, something our bodies were made to do naturally, is an outrageous statement. To say that they see themselves as a thousand pounds, when really they are only 100 - sometimes less, sometimes more. Even with all the opposing thoughts, I can't restraint the irritation. I don't want your attention for it, anyone's attention for it. In fact, I would LOVE for you to act like you don't notice. For some reason, she is the only one who can make me feel guilty about it. I can't figure why due to the fact she is a complete bitch about the whole thing. You think it'd make me want to shove it in her face.

Also, my older sister has been trying to lose weight lately. She keeps making comments about how she is "starving" herself. Last night, she made yet another comment. I simply told her "join the rest of women's soceity, well most anyways."
and she replied with "Yeah, except you. You never have to do anything for your body."

ISTHATAMOTHERFUCKINGJOKE. I hate when people say shit to me like that; just because I'm by society's standards "skinny" and have been, I don't do anything. You don't even know. I make time to go to the gym. I exercise at home. I starve. I purge. My mind is is turning its wheels, grasping dieting concepts, plans, etc CONSTANTLY. All whilst you eat what you want, when you want, without remorse until you look in the mirror and see what you see. And THEN you want to complain. THEN you want to whine about how you weren't given a perfect body? Get with the program, it's a part of life. If you want to eat what you want without exercising, you're going to have to deal with being fat. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
I know that I complain about being fat and what not, but I don't act stupid as if I don't know why. The idea of eating and looking good died long ago. My goodness, I must sound like a bitch to you all. I know that everyone has different metabolism rates. It just irritates me when people complain and don't try. And then when I somewhat call them out, they try pointing fingers at me.

Oh, I'm going to stop the rant while I still can. It must be obvious I have no one in my life to vent to hah.