124.5, still.

So the baseball game was alright. I've never had to sit through such hot weather, from what I can remember. It was completely ridiculous. I absolutely hate sweating in front of the opposite sex, or in front of anyone for that matter (with exception to the gym). It makes be feel disgustinggg. I suppose when its all said and done I didn't mind it too much just because I knew that it'd help me knock off some extra weight (even if it is just water weight). The whole game I spent coaching myself to not eat when I returned home, and if I were to eat, it would be a salad or something light.

Well, I come home around 12:30ish (I can not eat throughout the day pretty easy, but its the night when my binge side really comes out), and I find myself at the refrigerator with ease. I swear even if I were blind, I'd know where that dammed thing was. I started out with some celery and ranch (I know ranch is the devil, but I figured I could allow myself a treat for being so good as to not eat anything the whole day). Needless to say, it was the beginning of the end. I followed it with a bowl of cereal, then some oatmeal, and finished it off with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I never much cared for peanut butter and jelly as a kid. I feel that the second I knew I couldn't have it due to the horrific calories they contain, I fell in love with them. The same goes for about every fatty food that's out there. Funny how humans are; we always want what we can't have.

I woke up this morning and treated myself to another bowl of oatmeal and then proceeded to go weight myself. Why i decided to do it in that particular order is beyond me. I know I should be disappointed in myself, but I'm not. Probably because I was expecting far worse than that. Oh well, today is a new day. A second chance. I really feel like jogging and that's the first thing I'm going to do when I get home. I just hope I still feel like it by the time I get off work.

On another more broad note, I feel like something is holding me back from really falling into my friendship with ana and mia. I mean the way people look at you. Not society in general, i could give a rats ass what they think. Its more of my family and boyfriend. It really fucked some things over for my sister and I the first time around, we've never been the same. And I think she is getting suspicious. I know its wrong of my to feel irritated towards her lack of understanding; I wouldn't have understanding nor sympathy for those struggling with this problem if I wasn't facing it myself, in all honesty. It's a terrible thing to say, but in retrospect its logical. To hear someone say they can't eat, something our bodies were made to do naturally, is an outrageous statement. To say that they see themselves as a thousand pounds, when really they are only 100 - sometimes less, sometimes more. Even with all the opposing thoughts, I can't restraint the irritation. I don't want your attention for it, anyone's attention for it. In fact, I would LOVE for you to act like you don't notice. For some reason, she is the only one who can make me feel guilty about it. I can't figure why due to the fact she is a complete bitch about the whole thing. You think it'd make me want to shove it in her face.

Also, my older sister has been trying to lose weight lately. She keeps making comments about how she is "starving" herself. Last night, she made yet another comment. I simply told her "join the rest of women's soceity, well most anyways."
and she replied with "Yeah, except you. You never have to do anything for your body."

ISTHATAMOTHERFUCKINGJOKE. I hate when people say shit to me like that; just because I'm by society's standards "skinny" and have been, I don't do anything. You don't even know. I make time to go to the gym. I exercise at home. I starve. I purge. My mind is is turning its wheels, grasping dieting concepts, plans, etc CONSTANTLY. All whilst you eat what you want, when you want, without remorse until you look in the mirror and see what you see. And THEN you want to complain. THEN you want to whine about how you weren't given a perfect body? Get with the program, it's a part of life. If you want to eat what you want without exercising, you're going to have to deal with being fat. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
I know that I complain about being fat and what not, but I don't act stupid as if I don't know why. The idea of eating and looking good died long ago. My goodness, I must sound like a bitch to you all. I know that everyone has different metabolism rates. It just irritates me when people complain and don't try. And then when I somewhat call them out, they try pointing fingers at me.

Oh, I'm going to stop the rant while I still can. It must be obvious I have no one in my life to vent to hah.

Yayyy, 125.4!! Don't get me wrong, its still a teriible number but its not 127! THANKYOUJESUSSSS! I'm supposed to go to a baseball game with the boyfriend today and its gonna be hot as hell. I was planning on wearing some jean shorts with a plain white tank, but I feel much too big right now to wear that so im kinda stuck. I really don't want to have to deal with feeling fat, but i might not have a choice due to temperatures. I hope this all goes well; he can be extremely irritating sometimes. I have fun with him but, my goodness, he can be such a douche. I wonder if its going to work out even...

Alright. Done with senseless rambling. I hope by the time i get home for my pm weight in to be at 123-point-something. I know two pounds seems like an awful lot, but I have been binging everyday for like a week so it should come off fairly easy (once I get to 120, weight is a bitch to come off). Ah, I'm so excited to be thin again; there really is nothing more comforting in this world than feeling thin. I have a gym membership but I think the plan for me is to eat as little as possible for like a week to get my weight down THEN I'll start going to the gym. I feel, otherwise, i just bulk up with muscle. And I hate going to the gym when i feel fat. There are so many people with beautiful bodies there. I wonder how they get that perfect? I do love them for making it known that its possible to look that good though, that all of this isn't for nothing - those bodies aren't just in the movies and magazines.

Oh, I can't wait.

I want... No, I WILL.

Man, it has been a while. I kinda-ish tried to get this habit off my back after watching some raw food documentary. It really made me think of how badly i was treating my body; I mean if eating processed foods is bad, then binging and purging processed food must really take a toll on your body. I know, DUH. But for some reason it really just hit me.

Of course, that didn't last long. It's back, and could give a fuck less whether its good for my body or not - as long as I'm skinny. I got on the scale and needless to say the rest of my day, hell my life, will be spent on making sure I NEVER see that damn number again (127.6). I didn't break down and cry or have any sort of a meltdown, which is extremely out of character for me. I just feel motivated. Determined. Sure, agony is there, but its overcome by something else. I'm tired of feeling sad and pathetic. It must be extremely unattractive to be so weak. Openly, at least. I'm tired of being the person people perceive me to be. This is no longer a mission of receiving perfection through JUST physique. It's a mission to improve myself ALL TOGETHER.
I want be perfect.
I want to be approachable to people.
I want to be my own person.
I want to control my feelings, my passions.
I want putting people before myself to be habitual.
I want to be responsible.
I want to make my parents proud.
I don't want to be sad.
I don't want to be a bitch, no matter the circumstances
I don't want to be judgmental.
I WANT TO BE SKINNY.
I want to stop complaining about what I want, especially when what I want is obtainable.

I will be perfect.
I will be approachable to people.
I will be my own person.
I will control my feelings, my passions.
I will put people before myself, habitually.
I will be responsible.
I will make my parents proud.
I will not be sad.
I will not be a bitch, no matter the circumstances
I will not be judgmental.
I WILL BE SKINNY.


110, here I come :)

*sighh*

You can always tell when I screwed up with diets - I never have the guts to blog about it. I think it started like 2 weeks ago with family night. I binged like no other and ever since I have been trying to get on track. How'd that work out you ask? Binge 2 days, starve 2 days, etc.
I feel that I'm back on track though (if you can't tell, im blogging about it hah). I feel like if I dont get back on track I will be missing out on the most oppurtune time to lose some weight. I have pretty much no one breatheing down my spine. I have so much time to just be by myself, its wonderful. All I really have to do is concentrate on school and work and I'll be good.

Ohhhh! ANDDD im getting my income taxes back. I'm quite excited since it'll be a little over $1000!!!! I promised myself that I'm not touching any of it for shopping until I'm at 110; so if that isn't motivation enough to lose this damn weight I dont know what is:) I just have to keep my mind in control - not my body. Keep positive. I will, however, get myself an ana bracelet for further motivation. And dammit, I need to keep up with my blog!

Oh, it's bad is it? BITE. ME.

This is going to be random but it just popped in my head so I figure why not hah?

I've never had a lot of friends throughout my whole life; I've always had my sister as my best friend acquaintances at school, but other than that - nada. I never really minded, it was normal for me. I always relished time I had by myself. Then I had my first love and of course was with him every second of every day AND night. So naturally when we broke up I felt lonely, like I had to be hanging out with someone at all times because I had accustomed myself to it. I've come to hate that you know. Why couldn't I just hang out by myself and be cool with it? Anyways, I became a bit depressed from it all and over sensitive when people wanted their space from me.
And then relapse overtook me and you know what? Its the best damn thing that has happened to me in a long time. I love time spent alone again. I feel the best when I'm by myself. I do my homework and am more dedicated to personal responsibilities.  The past few weeks I've been so happy with myself. I mean yeah I dont have the best self image, but its not terrible. Sometimes I feel like eating disorders aren't really a bad thing, its just how society has come to make us percieve them. What if we aren't really unhappy in EDs, they've just brainwashed us into thinking we are? I know looking back at the happiest times in my life, my ED was involved, greatly. It doesn't make me feel weak or ashamed of myself. It makes me feel strong and proud. Fuck anyone who tells me differently. I KNOW how it makes me feel, because it's a part of who I am. I can't believe I have let society and all the other little bastards involved try to tell me how it is when they have never experienced it for themselves. To let them try and convince me that it makes me unhappy. My ED is what drives me to look in that mirror and stare at what I have to change, but its others insight on my ED and what they think an ED is that makes me cry at what I see.

Not anymore. I'm not going to cry about it, because that's exactly what society craves - to prove that it causes despair. I'm going to be ME from now on. I'm going to look in that mirror with pride and determination, no matter what stares back at me.

IFEELLIKEDEATH

Alright, so. I've drafted like 364138957814 posts but i have yet to finish one hah. Now to catch up, lets see....

Okay so first off I decided that the SGD just wasnt working for me. I didnt feel very empowered by the hunger if that makes any sense? So i decided to go ahead and start with the ABC diet. And I'm loving it. I can't even explain how wonderful I feel that im actually doing. There have been so many oppurtunities to binge on AWESOME AMAZING FOOD and i HAVEN'T:)!!! Even after smoking (and that is pretty much the impossible for me).
But on the other hand im too exhaused to celebrate. with work and school I seriously feel like im going to faint sometimes; its getting intense up in this bitch. But i will NOT give up. I've come too far! I havent weighted myself but i have set up days (which are the days after the fasting) to do it. That way, i dont get dicouraged with myself if i see the number that i dont want to see. I started this around 119 pounds so we shall see what happens the first weigh in day. I have a good feeling so far though, i can feel myself getting thinner. Oh, happy day:)
well thats pretty much it. I'll try and post more often. Im just kind of ocd with punctuations, capitalization, spelling, etc. And i know this is lacking all of the above, but fuck it; Im wayyy too drained to care.

MS. EATER

Yep, I was crowned with that wonderful name this morning by my father when I went downstairs. HOWFUCKINGDISGUSTING. I feel soooooo gross and terrible. All I can think about is that feeling I got yesterday when I stepped on that scale. I was so scared from all the straying I had done that I was going to be well into the 120s. And then Phillip said that I was 118. I was given a second chance to redeem myself. And I threw it away for an assortment of cookies, candy, and a hot dog. I have yet to get on that scale again.
But one of the girls on one of the blogs I'm following posted a girls successful ABC diet. It was so inspirational. She went from 150 to 91lbs! I would say she was a lucky girl, but I know better than that. She isn't lucky; She was motivated and deserved every pound she lost if not more. If She can do it why can't I? The only difference is the mind set, not physical boundaries.

Oh, and I've decided to give up drinking and smoking unless it's in a social environment. That way I'll be too embarrassed to eat in front of anyone. I don't have the control over myself yet. I'm sure once my bones are protruding a little better I can use them as the wall between eating and not eating.

I must be terribly annoying with all the empty words that I have. I'm trying. I'm sorry. I just need to get back into the groove of things. I really kind of just need a buddy too. They always help so much.