About my life. About me as well as my feelings toward myself. I deny too often that this life style inflicts negative thoughts towards myself, but the fact of the matter is that it does. Restriction? Not so much. In fact, with success it gives me the euphoria that I've never felt from anything else; not from love, drugs, or what have you. But soon that euphoria dies with either the realization of a new goal weight to achieve, or a massive chain of binge events (I have been struggling too much with the latter of the two). Somehow along this journey I have lost how to love, as well as what it means to love - whether it be myself or others. Still, knowing all this isn't enough to shut out the constant thoughts. Unfortunately, as many recovery stories as I've heard, never have I heard within those stories that those voices cease to speak. And that is probably what scares me the most about trying to get better. I can either be tormented and thin, or tormented and normal/fat. Right now would most likely be a perfect time to say that I am lost, though saying such a cliche phrase such as that would be a futile attempt as a scape goat from life and taking responsibility. The fact of the matter is, that I am not lost. I know where I am as well as where I stand, yet its the next step that gives me the anxiety of feeling lost. Because there are not only two options but many. Throwing in the towel is one, but one that I knew if I made I would be regretting it in a few days or gained pounds - which ever were to come first. I could clinch my teeth, suck it up, and go on with restriction just to have my hopes shattered by a sequence of binges and purges which I know all too well end with the lingering of spitting and shitting blood. One commonality of all the roads end with the same problem: an obsession with myself to progress to the state which is appeasing to others, only to be contradicted with the fact that it all only pushes me further into an alienation of my own world. The extremes of both of the above stated options have lead me to a third option that brings the two to somewhat of an agreement: restrict as to stay around 107-110, or around 600 calories with exercise. The "voices", so to speak, lash out at me through the thought process of the third. Inquiring that it is my weak former fat self trying to grasp hold again, and before I know it I'll be that same sad fat girl to which I know will begin this vicious and repetitive cycle over again. Maybe I already know the path I will take, because I have taken it before so many times. Nonetheless, a decision needs to made. And I will make it.
The choice being somewhere In between the 3rd and 1st. This is something I can't fully throw in the towel for, because its become part of who I am and is necessary for some of the only true happiness I do experience from life. But other aspects that have been lacking so much due to the scarcity of my energy require that I do need to eat more than 300 calories a day. As well as those calories coming from greens, fruits, and proteins - not from two rolls of sweettarts a day. For one, my work ethics have been broken down from doing above and beyond to being bottom of the barrel. I used to delight in work, in my customers, but now I find it impossible with the irritation and lack of proper nutrients. All of which leave me with disappointed managers wondering what happened to that bright girl besides the decomposition of her body. The irritation doesn't stop at work though; it's an ongoing roller-coaster peaking not when I'm the hungriest, but when I've deemed myself a failure by giving in and having some green beans, or looking upon the scale and seeing an unchanged number - meaning only that I've remained an unchanged girl for yet another day. I've come from being a delightfully sarcastic and witty girl to a demonically and openly obsessed girl craving for her next victim to lash out at after a day, or even a moment, of failure. And I'm tired of the guilt. I'm tired of yearning for a break from my mind, one that I know I will probably never get. I'll say with complete honesty that I don't quite know what I'm trying to represent from this post, because it surely isn't quitting restriction. I'm just tired of the binging and purging that I can't seem to get away from for more than a week. I am, quite contrary to what this post might convey, optimistic about the future. Things seem to have a way of working out. And life, after all, is just a thing.
22.8.11
Tisk, tiskkk!
Oh dear!
Well first off, I got to 107 again. And binged, AGAIN. Luckily I was able to purge. Bad news? I went out drinking with my sister last night and her car broke down! And of course we decided to give these guys a ride home because they missed their cab and where going to pay us 40 dollars for a ride that was quite simply right down the street. Needless to say, we didn't get back to her apartment until 3:30AM. And she made french toast with eggs - I couldn't resist! Never can when I'm not sober. I was pretty pissed at myself because I had FINALLy reached 107 and messed it all up again. I seriously repeated the same mistake; that's really what gets me the most about the whole thing. So I cam home this morning to weight myself and somehow I was still 107. I, no joke, dropped to my knees thanking God for such a wonderful miracle.
And I went pretty much the whole day without eating. Until I got home. ANNNND let's just say it was all downhill from there. Binged, tried to purge, and am very sure I didn't get even half of the enormous food I ate up. I am still going to be positive about this though. I mean I was able to get some up, which is obviously better than none. Not to mention, I have a looong work day tomorrow so I will definitely need the energy for tomorrow. I also needed a good slap in the face with some motivation. All in all, I don't think I gained too much. I have decided I'm going to not weight myself until Sunday night; I don't want to ruin any motivation with anger towards myself. For further motivation Sunday will also be the day when I shall post some progress pictures up to reassure that I stick to it! I'm really having a hard time with not purging lately which really is no good :( I've got to figure a way to help myself from doing it so if anyone has suggestions I would absolutely love them!
Sorry to sound like such a failure with restriction lately. I feel like I've let myself as well as all you girls out there down; it was not my intention. I'll make it up to everyone, myself included, by Sunday. That's a promise!
Well first off, I got to 107 again. And binged, AGAIN. Luckily I was able to purge. Bad news? I went out drinking with my sister last night and her car broke down! And of course we decided to give these guys a ride home because they missed their cab and where going to pay us 40 dollars for a ride that was quite simply right down the street. Needless to say, we didn't get back to her apartment until 3:30AM. And she made french toast with eggs - I couldn't resist! Never can when I'm not sober. I was pretty pissed at myself because I had FINALLy reached 107 and messed it all up again. I seriously repeated the same mistake; that's really what gets me the most about the whole thing. So I cam home this morning to weight myself and somehow I was still 107. I, no joke, dropped to my knees thanking God for such a wonderful miracle.
And I went pretty much the whole day without eating. Until I got home. ANNNND let's just say it was all downhill from there. Binged, tried to purge, and am very sure I didn't get even half of the enormous food I ate up. I am still going to be positive about this though. I mean I was able to get some up, which is obviously better than none. Not to mention, I have a looong work day tomorrow so I will definitely need the energy for tomorrow. I also needed a good slap in the face with some motivation. All in all, I don't think I gained too much. I have decided I'm going to not weight myself until Sunday night; I don't want to ruin any motivation with anger towards myself. For further motivation Sunday will also be the day when I shall post some progress pictures up to reassure that I stick to it! I'm really having a hard time with not purging lately which really is no good :( I've got to figure a way to help myself from doing it so if anyone has suggestions I would absolutely love them!
Sorry to sound like such a failure with restriction lately. I feel like I've let myself as well as all you girls out there down; it was not my intention. I'll make it up to everyone, myself included, by Sunday. That's a promise!
19.8.11
109..
Mmkay...where to start...
I suppose the best part to start at is where the binge started at. Everything was going fine and dandy with the diet as well as me keeping to my restriction. Actually, it was going more than okay. I was finally stepping into restriction without the need to binge and purge, and really enjoying myself and the new adoration I was acquiring. It wasn't long before the owner came in during my shift, whom I am very close with - I would consider him almost an Uncle to me, and we get to talking about life problems. Usually I am more than happy to enclose this information with him, but lately his prying hasn't been anything more than an annoyance. I just want everyone to leave me to make my own decisions. Is that really so much to ask for considering it is MY life? Well, I ended up crying in front of him for goodness sake! I suppose one of the downsides of restriction is that it can really toy with the upkeep pertaining to my emotions. I knew he felt bad for thinking it was his fault, though it really wasn't; I was just frustrated at him, and for me the breaking point of any emotion is tears. I've always been that way. Don't know why but I HATE it. Emotions are such a drag, but making them apparent to others is even more of a drag. So, to cut it short, it ended in him taking me out for sushi. I knew it was the beginning of the end the second the invite came out of his mouth. I tried so man excuses, but he wasn't budging so I ended up caving. I ate. After we were done I chugged some water and headed to the nearest gas station (I know, gross, but I was desperate) to purge. Nothing - I couldn't get anything up. Pissed would be an understatement of how I felt, but I continued on my day with a little retail therapy. And guess what? I WAS A SIZE 0!!!! I even tried on a pair of 00 jeans and they fit. I was so ecstatic. I'll post pictures of all the cute clothing I got a little later if I feel up to it.
But despite how accomplished I felt about my progress, I continued to eat. My trip to Houston for my cousin's baby shower was nothing short of a food mishap disaster. I don't know what it is about family gatherings, but I become a bit of a bingaholic. I felt full the ENTIRE time I was down there. My little sister, whom I absolutely adore, decided to tag along with me. Since we couldn't leave the house and start heading over there until we got off of work around 7pm(and the trip takes about 4 hours), we decided to rent a cheap motel and stay the night there whilst having girly fun. And eating sinfully good pizza which I have never really been a fan of. Strangely enough, it was the best pizza I've had in my ENTIRE life. Hands. Down. Thank the Lord for Domino's and their new garlic crust! Of course, after wards, I proceeded to take a shower and purge. Again, nothing was coming up so I tried the toothbrush trick. Worked like magic. I can't describe the comfort I get from purging sometimes. It's like a second chance. Once out of the shower, I was determined not to ruin the second chance I got. Especially due to the fact they were so hard to come by lately. And I'm sure everyone has realized the pattern I have adapted in this recent chain of events so naturally I failed the very next day. It would probably be easier if I named the things I didn't eat on this trip, but I'll save me the embarrassment as well as you the time. All you need to know is by the time I returned home I was in such a panic I wouldn't even use the bathroom the scale is located in until today. I am relieved that it read 109. It's no 107 by no means, but I'm back on track with another lesson learned and under my belt. I'm sorry I haven't gotten on and blogged but I've been too ashamed to do so until now. My apologizes. As for progress pictures go, I will post some when I get to 105. Which WILL be in the near future. It's the least I owe all you 15 patient darlings:)
I suppose the best part to start at is where the binge started at. Everything was going fine and dandy with the diet as well as me keeping to my restriction. Actually, it was going more than okay. I was finally stepping into restriction without the need to binge and purge, and really enjoying myself and the new adoration I was acquiring. It wasn't long before the owner came in during my shift, whom I am very close with - I would consider him almost an Uncle to me, and we get to talking about life problems. Usually I am more than happy to enclose this information with him, but lately his prying hasn't been anything more than an annoyance. I just want everyone to leave me to make my own decisions. Is that really so much to ask for considering it is MY life? Well, I ended up crying in front of him for goodness sake! I suppose one of the downsides of restriction is that it can really toy with the upkeep pertaining to my emotions. I knew he felt bad for thinking it was his fault, though it really wasn't; I was just frustrated at him, and for me the breaking point of any emotion is tears. I've always been that way. Don't know why but I HATE it. Emotions are such a drag, but making them apparent to others is even more of a drag. So, to cut it short, it ended in him taking me out for sushi. I knew it was the beginning of the end the second the invite came out of his mouth. I tried so man excuses, but he wasn't budging so I ended up caving. I ate. After we were done I chugged some water and headed to the nearest gas station (I know, gross, but I was desperate) to purge. Nothing - I couldn't get anything up. Pissed would be an understatement of how I felt, but I continued on my day with a little retail therapy. And guess what? I WAS A SIZE 0!!!! I even tried on a pair of 00 jeans and they fit. I was so ecstatic. I'll post pictures of all the cute clothing I got a little later if I feel up to it.
But despite how accomplished I felt about my progress, I continued to eat. My trip to Houston for my cousin's baby shower was nothing short of a food mishap disaster. I don't know what it is about family gatherings, but I become a bit of a bingaholic. I felt full the ENTIRE time I was down there. My little sister, whom I absolutely adore, decided to tag along with me. Since we couldn't leave the house and start heading over there until we got off of work around 7pm(and the trip takes about 4 hours), we decided to rent a cheap motel and stay the night there whilst having girly fun. And eating sinfully good pizza which I have never really been a fan of. Strangely enough, it was the best pizza I've had in my ENTIRE life. Hands. Down. Thank the Lord for Domino's and their new garlic crust! Of course, after wards, I proceeded to take a shower and purge. Again, nothing was coming up so I tried the toothbrush trick. Worked like magic. I can't describe the comfort I get from purging sometimes. It's like a second chance. Once out of the shower, I was determined not to ruin the second chance I got. Especially due to the fact they were so hard to come by lately. And I'm sure everyone has realized the pattern I have adapted in this recent chain of events so naturally I failed the very next day. It would probably be easier if I named the things I didn't eat on this trip, but I'll save me the embarrassment as well as you the time. All you need to know is by the time I returned home I was in such a panic I wouldn't even use the bathroom the scale is located in until today. I am relieved that it read 109. It's no 107 by no means, but I'm back on track with another lesson learned and under my belt. I'm sorry I haven't gotten on and blogged but I've been too ashamed to do so until now. My apologizes. As for progress pictures go, I will post some when I get to 105. Which WILL be in the near future. It's the least I owe all you 15 patient darlings:)
10.8.11
107.4
As of this morning. I've had my sweet tarts for the day and unfortunately I'm on the verge of fainting (Not really, it just feels that way. I hope hah). Good thing is that its already 5:30 which means only an hour and a half left of work. And all the hard stuff is over with. So all I have left is sitting here and occasionally getting up to do something. I really just hope that I'm able to hold off from eating anything until tomorrow. I have a bunch of healthy foods - light yogurt, egg white, vegetables, fruit. I just can't bring myself to eat them lately. I know I have been eating CANDY off all things, but it translates differently in my head for some reason. It's like powdered sugar and I guess I just feel that it speeds up my metabolism and gives me energy. And most importantly does NOT give my that full feeling. I did, however, break down earlier and have a light yogurt at 60 calories. I made sure to take half an hour to eat the thing though. God forbid I shovel it down my throat like a little piggy.
In other news, I have to meet up with the ex tonight to get the rest of my stuff from him. I hope he doesn't try and give my some ultimatum or something. I really would just like to be left alone. Then I think I'll pop a few melatonin pills and be off to bed. I hope I'm 106 by tomorrow, it would be lovely.
In other news, I have to meet up with the ex tonight to get the rest of my stuff from him. I hope he doesn't try and give my some ultimatum or something. I really would just like to be left alone. Then I think I'll pop a few melatonin pills and be off to bed. I hope I'm 106 by tomorrow, it would be lovely.
9.8.11
108.2
Read the scale this morning. I wish I would have been 107, but I can deal with 108 - gladly at that. I'm tired of being so negative. I'm tired of being surrounded by negativity. It's just makes life soo blehhh.
My ex is trying pretty desperately to get back together. I don't want to. I tell him this. He tells me I don't know what I want. He is wrong.
I feel like everyone does know what they want. I mean, think about it. When you are 3, before you care what anyone thinks of you, you know what you want. You have no problem pointing at something and saying "mine", crying and throwing a tantrum TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. The older you get, the more people you have just sitting there, brain washing you, telling you what you want. I'm fed up with it. I'm sick of people trying to manipulate me and my life by telling me what I want. When, in reality, it's what they want - because is brings some beneficial subsidence to their life. Like I'm some sort of idiot that can see what they're doing. It pains me to know people are so prone to fall into others wishes, into self-destruction. I'm sure if you're reading this that last line would have been adequately labeled ironic. But at least I'm choosing it for myself - no others involved. Anywaysss...
It's about 7pm. And I'm hungry. I have already eaten my sweet tarts for the day. Tea for dinner sounds good. I would have cabbage soup, but I've acquired a very strange fear of real food in the past few days. I am far too scared to eat it at the moment.
My ex is trying pretty desperately to get back together. I don't want to. I tell him this. He tells me I don't know what I want. He is wrong.
I feel like everyone does know what they want. I mean, think about it. When you are 3, before you care what anyone thinks of you, you know what you want. You have no problem pointing at something and saying "mine", crying and throwing a tantrum TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. The older you get, the more people you have just sitting there, brain washing you, telling you what you want. I'm fed up with it. I'm sick of people trying to manipulate me and my life by telling me what I want. When, in reality, it's what they want - because is brings some beneficial subsidence to their life. Like I'm some sort of idiot that can see what they're doing. It pains me to know people are so prone to fall into others wishes, into self-destruction. I'm sure if you're reading this that last line would have been adequately labeled ironic. But at least I'm choosing it for myself - no others involved. Anywaysss...
It's about 7pm. And I'm hungry. I have already eaten my sweet tarts for the day. Tea for dinner sounds good. I would have cabbage soup, but I've acquired a very strange fear of real food in the past few days. I am far too scared to eat it at the moment.
8.8.11
Welp.
Broke up with the boyfriend, finally. It started off not very well, but I think it ended on a pretty good note so that's swell and dandy. I forgot that he has a few possessions of mine so we still have to meet up again for him to give them to me. During the standard argument that follows a break up he proceeded to tell me that "You're scared to get too close to people". And you know what, I've always kinda felt that way until he pointed it out. I've realized that I'm not too afraid to get too close to anyone - I just so happen to be very particular to whom I decide to get too close with. I LIKE being by myself. It frustrated me that people often read it that way. That just because someone relishes, or prefers, time alone that they are afraid of something. When really in reality its just a different interest.
On a more interesting note, I've been doing fairly well with the restricting. I had 150 calories worth of Sweet Tarts throughout today and did the same for yesterday. Even though they aren't that low in calorie, I feel that the sugar keeps me going far longer than a small salad or anything of that assortment. I've also found these wonderful tasting cocoa mixes that are only 20 calories per packet! They are great in hot water, or even in a cup of coffee. When I weighed myself this morning i was 108.4, but I'm hoping by tomorrow it will be somewhere in the 107s. My, once again, new UGW is now 100. I would be happy with 102 - as random as that number is. I just don't know how much longer I can go without my parents making me eat. They haven't really said too much about it lately, but I know they are growing very suspicious of me skipping dinner and what not. I'll just have to make my social life seem full so I won't have to be around during dinner time. Maybe I'll start reading some at starbucks or something. Take walks, SOMETHINGGG.
Wellllll, that's all I have for now. You girlies enjoy this week and make the most of it :))))
On a more interesting note, I've been doing fairly well with the restricting. I had 150 calories worth of Sweet Tarts throughout today and did the same for yesterday. Even though they aren't that low in calorie, I feel that the sugar keeps me going far longer than a small salad or anything of that assortment. I've also found these wonderful tasting cocoa mixes that are only 20 calories per packet! They are great in hot water, or even in a cup of coffee. When I weighed myself this morning i was 108.4, but I'm hoping by tomorrow it will be somewhere in the 107s. My, once again, new UGW is now 100. I would be happy with 102 - as random as that number is. I just don't know how much longer I can go without my parents making me eat. They haven't really said too much about it lately, but I know they are growing very suspicious of me skipping dinner and what not. I'll just have to make my social life seem full so I won't have to be around during dinner time. Maybe I'll start reading some at starbucks or something. Take walks, SOMETHINGGG.
Wellllll, that's all I have for now. You girlies enjoy this week and make the most of it :))))
5.8.11
110.4, yeyuhh (;
I'm so very glad to be able to say I have once again hit the 110 mark :) Hopefully this time I won't get to be out of the 110 range unless its going under. We will just have to see about that. I feel like it has been perfectly placed in my week too. I work 8:30am-5pm tomorrow and then I have Sunday off, WOO!!! I want to pretty much fast as soon as I get off of work tomorrow for about 24 hours I suppose. I'll need to make a list of the things I need to get done so I will be distracted from screwing up my progress. I remember when 110 was my UGW. It's now 105, maybe even 100, but I doubt I'd be able to get away with that in this house. Then again, I am the one paying the bills since my parents are out of work. So all in all, there isn't much they can do if you really put the situation into perspective; I just hate to disappoint them any further:/ ...
I was going to skip a semester at school and take up a second thought, but thinking on it a bit more I really shouldn't. I'd have the energy for school, but I most certainly would not have enough energy for another job. The only way to muster enough energy up for that would mean upping my daily calories which is NOT going to happen. Soooo, I guess I really need to figure out how I'm going to pay for that, even if it is only one or two classes. I feel that I'd be doing a lot better in school now that I have stopped smoking. I have such a clear head and much more ambition for my academics. I was going to major in something in health, but it would be quite a contradiction. I have such a passion for fashion, but it's just so competitive. I don't know; whatever is meant to happen will happen.
Boyfriend wise, I have finally decided that I'm going to break up with him. Any suggestions on what to say?? I'm terrible at these sorts of things so ANY advice would be greatly appreciated!!
I was going to skip a semester at school and take up a second thought, but thinking on it a bit more I really shouldn't. I'd have the energy for school, but I most certainly would not have enough energy for another job. The only way to muster enough energy up for that would mean upping my daily calories which is NOT going to happen. Soooo, I guess I really need to figure out how I'm going to pay for that, even if it is only one or two classes. I feel that I'd be doing a lot better in school now that I have stopped smoking. I have such a clear head and much more ambition for my academics. I was going to major in something in health, but it would be quite a contradiction. I have such a passion for fashion, but it's just so competitive. I don't know; whatever is meant to happen will happen.
Boyfriend wise, I have finally decided that I'm going to break up with him. Any suggestions on what to say?? I'm terrible at these sorts of things so ANY advice would be greatly appreciated!!
4.8.11
Work yesterday was pretty exhausting. The a/c was out, and for those who have never lived through a Texas summer - its pretty terrible. Probably one of the only things I don't care for when it comes it Texas. It was 107 outside. 101 inside. I thought I was going to kill over the entire time. I also work at a drycleaners so that didn't help with the heat situation, having pressing machines giving off extra heat and all. I swear if it's not working by tomorrow's shift I'm NOT working; I know I probably sound ridiculous, but I don't even care. I'm so sick of working for the owner. He is cheap and lazy. If HE was the one having to work, you better believe that thing would have been fixed the instant it went out. One good thing about the a/c going out was the fact that I sweated my butt off. I have decided not to weigh myself except for on Fridays - it motivates me to work as hard as I can to see a difference. Sundays are my days off so I think I will try my absolute hardest to eat nothing- 200 calories tops. I don't need the energy that day so I can afford to be weak and slump around.
In other news, I'm supposed to hang out with the boyfriend tonight. I hate making that hour drive. Quite honestly, I don't even know if I want a boyfriend. I just want time to myself, to be left alone, which is already sparingly in comparison to how much I'd like. And there are some points where I like him, yet most of the time I can't help but to perceive him as a selfish little brat, caring nor having any consideration for anyone unless it affects him indirectly. I'm just so bad with these break-up sort of things; I should really consider growing a pair already. Though some of me feels like it's just my ED telling me I want to be left alone. It's odd to think that something like an ED could be considered "fun", much less relaxing. It is what it is I suppose.
Well, that's life at the moment. I'll update and add on later if I feel that anything extra needs to be added.
In other news, I'm supposed to hang out with the boyfriend tonight. I hate making that hour drive. Quite honestly, I don't even know if I want a boyfriend. I just want time to myself, to be left alone, which is already sparingly in comparison to how much I'd like. And there are some points where I like him, yet most of the time I can't help but to perceive him as a selfish little brat, caring nor having any consideration for anyone unless it affects him indirectly. I'm just so bad with these break-up sort of things; I should really consider growing a pair already. Though some of me feels like it's just my ED telling me I want to be left alone. It's odd to think that something like an ED could be considered "fun", much less relaxing. It is what it is I suppose.
Well, that's life at the moment. I'll update and add on later if I feel that anything extra needs to be added.
3.8.11
Where to start, where to start..
On Sunday I ended up ruining my 112 point with a mega binge which included the following: 4 hot dogs with the works, an ENTIRE bad of cheddar and sour cream chips, a shittonna candy, and a hella wine. I told myself, once again, that I would wait to weigh myself until Friday. Unfortunately, I was asked by my boyfriend to stay the night last night, and I felt extremely bloated so I just had to weigh myself. I was 116.4! After like 2 days almost of being good! Dear Lord, what a terrible idea that was. But at the same time it was ingenious; I didn't want to eat the entire rest of the day or when I proceeded to go over to my boyfriend's house as well. And he made delicious lasagna with cheese garlic bread - probably one of my biggest weaknesses. Did I have any? No (: I didn't have anything except for gum and black coffee while I stayed there. I was pretty proud of myself. And ever since Sunday, I've wanted to binge, but now that I feel I'm on a roll I don't want to ruin anything.
What sucked about last night? Well just to fill you in a little first, we decided that we weren't going to have sex until we were both sure of everything - giving no room for regret, the feeling of being used, or guilt which is pretty much all I've felt after having sex. I'm also a pretty morally sound person believe it or not. Not that having sex juristics that you aren't, but I just don't go around having one night stands or anything. Sex is not an obligation of being a girlfriend in my option, It is something that has to be earned through trust and time. Anyways, (sorry if it's a little on the graphic side) it slipped in for like 10 seconds supposedly. I didn't even notice until after I blew him off and he told me hahah. I feel awful about it. I was already tired and didn't feel like getting jiggy with it. I was just doing it for his satisfaction. Awful does not do justice whatsoever to how terrible I feel. Guilt and regret are there. For sure. It's funny how innocence works, isn't it? You are so embarrassed of it when you are younger, but you miss it terribly the older you get. Things are so simple when you are innocent. I spent the whole night tossing and turning, waiting for my alarm to go off at 5:30 so I could just get away. I blamed my lack of sleep on my deprivation of food, which was partly the reason, but by no means fully the reason.
Guilt turns to blame. Blame turns to starvation. Starvation turns into weight loss. I'm sure most of you are reading this and thinking "Get yourself to-fucking-gether! You are over-reacting you idiot!" That is, if anyone is reading. I suppose I am, but I can't help it. I feel like I disappointed him. I disappointed myself. I disappointed my parents. I disappointed God. Always and forever, right Becky? You will never be true to anything. Failure will always be with you.
What sucked about last night? Well just to fill you in a little first, we decided that we weren't going to have sex until we were both sure of everything - giving no room for regret, the feeling of being used, or guilt which is pretty much all I've felt after having sex. I'm also a pretty morally sound person believe it or not. Not that having sex juristics that you aren't, but I just don't go around having one night stands or anything. Sex is not an obligation of being a girlfriend in my option, It is something that has to be earned through trust and time. Anyways, (sorry if it's a little on the graphic side) it slipped in for like 10 seconds supposedly. I didn't even notice until after I blew him off and he told me hahah. I feel awful about it. I was already tired and didn't feel like getting jiggy with it. I was just doing it for his satisfaction. Awful does not do justice whatsoever to how terrible I feel. Guilt and regret are there. For sure. It's funny how innocence works, isn't it? You are so embarrassed of it when you are younger, but you miss it terribly the older you get. Things are so simple when you are innocent. I spent the whole night tossing and turning, waiting for my alarm to go off at 5:30 so I could just get away. I blamed my lack of sleep on my deprivation of food, which was partly the reason, but by no means fully the reason.
Guilt turns to blame. Blame turns to starvation. Starvation turns into weight loss. I'm sure most of you are reading this and thinking "Get yourself to-fucking-gether! You are over-reacting you idiot!" That is, if anyone is reading. I suppose I am, but I can't help it. I feel like I disappointed him. I disappointed myself. I disappointed my parents. I disappointed God. Always and forever, right Becky? You will never be true to anything. Failure will always be with you.
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