So I weighed in on Friday at 112. I feel soooo relieved; I was frightful of stepping on the scale and seeing 114 or higher. I also have been keeping a written journal of what I eat, and it seems to be much more effective in the sense of keeping me on track in comparison to online blogging. I've always been a pen and paper kind of gal. I just sit at home at night and write down what I am to have the next day, at what time. I also write down my daily reflections and improvements during that time. Don't get me wrong, I don't know where I would be without this way to vent, much less reading everyones daily, bi-daily, or what have you, monologues. They keep me sane :) I quite enjoy life at the moment - the planning and successful executions. I've been fairly decent at it recently.
I find it oddly interesting that someone could find being alone the ultimate serenity. It's so calm and peaceful. I do not find the aspect of being alone depressing in the slightest manner. I dream of being alone often. In fact,  if I had an infinite supply of money, I think I would be fine with the average house, in an average place, filled with ordinary average things. I suppose I'm an average girl, and I am content with that. I prefer quiet in comparison with noise or music. I prefer staying in one place rather than going out or traveling. I suppose that could also qualify me as boring. Yet in the same sense, I still enjoy conversations, as long as they thrive between witty people. Strange as it would seem, I'm not shy - not in the least bit. I feel like my entire being is a contradiction to itself. I would guess that everyone is in a way. maybe that's why everyone is always in a constant battle with themselves. I wonder if the key to happiness is to just accept the fact that you will never be anything more than a contradiction. And the key to patience is the acceptance that others can be quite contradicting in actions and moralistic views as well..?
Oh, who knows.

I'm supposed to go shopping today with my little sister and cousin. I'm going to buy one article of clothing that is TO DIE FOR in a size 1 (if its a pair of pants) and the shirt I'll probably just keep as a small unless the style is okay for an x-small. I would buy a size zero, but it's just not in my genetics. i have pretty huge hips. And the funny thing is, I used to hate them with every fiber of my being. I mean hate the mother fuckers, but for some odd reason I've taken a liking to them lately. Probably because it accentuates how small my waist is, or something along those lines. It's going to be tricky losing more weight without my parents or siblings saying something about it. They have  shut up recently. I'm guessing its because I've been hovering around this weight for a few weeks now - I dropped over 10 pounds pretty quickly the past previous weeks. Maybe they even bought the whole "its because I stopped smoking" excuse. Either way, I'm going to have to tip toe around this one.

My boyfriend has noticed too. We haven't been dating long enough for him to say anything about it though. I thought he liked it, but now it seems that he might think I'm a little too skinny. Worst case scenario: he breaks up with me which means more alone time - FUCK YEAHHH:) !!!

Wrapping it up, I have 7 pounds to go. I wish I had some sort of occasion to ready myself for. I'm not sure if i'll be partaking in school this semester because I'm broke. We shall see though..

Back from the family reunion

I had reached 110 by wednesday morning and then I binged probably two times. I wasn't able to purge - my body hasnt been letting me recently. So needless to say, I was around 114 for the family reunion. I got there and ate. And ate. And ATE. AND ATE. I'm too scared to get on the scale. Scratch that I'm terrified to step on the scale. Scared beyond tears, Scared beyond positive reasoning. My boyfriend wants to see me tonight. And I'm fat. He will notice, I know it. The difference of my small 112lbs waist in comparison to probably a 120 waist is undeniable. I know he has noticed my recent weight loss; unlike everyone else, he likes it. Maybe even as much as I do. He kept telling me how beautiful I was the last time I saw him, how he loved that my legs looked a mile long. How I looked like a Victoria Secret model ( Irony here: Alessandra Ambrosio is my ULTIMATE thinspo - she is 112lbs at 5'9) I loved the feeling of prancing around his room in my underwear, teasing him with my protruding hip bones and my flat stomach. I loved liking my body. I want to be strong, brush off my shoulders, and start over again. Take the challenge on with a senile smile, knowing that I can easily conquer it again and reach 110. Reach 105. Be skinny. Be perfect. Be thin. But my confidence in this is stunned by the fact that I have to show everyone what I lost. Show my boyfriend. Show my coworkers. Show my family. I'm so crushed but absolutely numb at the same time. It's just an indescribable feeling. Or lack of feeling maybe would describe it better? I don't know. All I know is I will be skinny again. To do this I will....
1. Make a spreadsheet tonight of my planned meals for the rest of the week.
2. Walk a minumun of 2.5 miles in the morning and at the end of the day. If I know I will be unable to make the walk at night because of boyfriend obligations, walk the full 5 miles in the morning.
3. When I recieve my paycheck this friday, I will invest in some puma tone up shoes. Always gets me motivated.
4. School will be starting soon so I would like to start a clothing fund for it, taking out of my paychecks until I reach  desirable weight.
I will weigh myself on..... let's say friday. That'll give me time to lose weight so I'll never even know how much I've gained. Some things are just better left unknown (;

I hope everyone is doing okay. Even though I don't know any of you, much talk to any of you, I've missed having someone listen. So thank you all. Very much. It always means a lot. Also, if any of you have tips on good low cal foods, good exercises, or anything it would be much appreciated. Let's all make a strong effort for a good productive week:)

112.4

I reached 112.4 this morning. I'm pretty happy with myself. I really think I will be able to reach 110 by the time I go to the lake for my family reunion this weekend. I think I might set a harder goal to obtain..maybe just any number below 110. That would be quite the achievement. I am, however, pretty worried how I'm going to keep the weight of while I'm there. The last night (Sunday) we have a "pot luck" dinner. Everyone cooks something delicious and we sit down as a family and pig out. Oh, how my family absolutely disgusts me sometimes. Everyone probably eats more than 2000 calories in a sitting. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. My cousin who is the same age as I am will be attached to my hip; it doesn't help that she knows I have eating problems. It would be one thing if she was concerned for me, but it is completely selfishly motivated (isn't it rare that it isn't?). I'll manage. somehow. I think at this point I've made so much progress that I'm willing to give her the good ol' "Fuck YOU". Always seems to do the trick.
Which brings me to my next point, my mother is completely on to me. I was walking to my seat at church and she leaned over to my older sister and told her "Someone besides me needs to tell her she looks anorexic!". Later my sister heard her over talking with my father about an intervention. BHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH - what a jokeeee. Again, it would be one thing if it was out of concern, but it is selfishly motivated. Though she has never admitted it, I know she struggled with eating problems and, in my opinion, she still does to this day. Her weight yo-yos and boyyy she can call 'em when she sees 'em. Eating disordered people can tell when other people are also eating disordered with much more accuracy than the average person; probably because we know the symptoms. Luckily, the siblings seem to be on my side. They can tell I've lost weight, but they think it's because I've had to stop smoking pot:) I find it funny that last time I weighed this amount, everyone was freaking out saying how disgusting I look. Yet now that I'm older, no one (family wise) has said anything about me looking too thin. which tells me 110 is just average looking. Skinny, not thin. Skinny, not frail. Skinny, not delicate. 105 it is, for sure.
I also got comments from my coworkers. My manager, who is like an uncle to me, told me that I was looking a little thin and that I don't need to "go anorexic" on him. I feel bad honestly. He is one person that I hate letting down. He is always there for me when I need him. Financially, emotionally, EVERYTHING. I mean, that motherfucker would bail me outta jail at 3AM in the morning status. It's completely not a sexual relationship; he really is just like an uncle. So it sucks that I'm going to have to put him through this, but I can't let it go. Before he even said anything to me, another coworker asked if I was on a diet because it looked like I was losing weight. I kinda just don't get it though. Is there really that big of a difference? Why can't I see what they fucking see? It would make things a hellllll of a lot easier on me.

Oh well I suppose. I've always like a challenge:)

There is no such thing as being too skinny

I don't think so anyways. I guess I just think frail is a good thing hahh. So I've decided not to do the SGD. I ended up saving two different caloric schedules that are different so its fucked up already anyways. I think I'll just have 500 be my limit; this also means that I don't get 500, it's just my limit. 500 tops. In emergencies. 500.
So I got my first "you're looking to skinny" comment from my mother. I'm soooo stoked. She said I was starting to look anorexic (which is NOT true being 113 at 5'7. Skinny, maybe. Thin, NO). She said I was looking a little sick, and the bones in my shoulders were starting to perturb. I was caught off guard so all I could come up with was "they've always been like this." (on the back of my right shoulder ive always had a bone sticking out, idk why hah? but i lovelovelove it. It's beautiful) What a terrible excuse! You think I would have been ready with an excuse, but what can you really say when your parents know you've been dieting? They can't really do much about it though if it comes down to it. They are broke as a joke - we (my brother, sisters, and I have been paying the bills). I really just have a ridiculous amount of love and respect for them, that it breaks my heart to let them down. It's so gratifying when someone tells you that. I hate it being like that too. I don't want attention for this, its not why I'm doing this. I seriously just want everyone to leave me alone. My dream life as of lately would be sitting in my room, alone, concentrating and  reaching this goal. It sounds depressing, but it would be lovely.
I went to the boyfriend's house on Tuesday. I know he loves how small I've been getting. I could tell; he kept grasping his hands around my waist, hard too. Like he was astonished he could wrap his hands around so far around my small waist. It made me proud, like I was finally accomplishing something. I cant imagine how awesome it will feel being 105. I can't wait. I am oh so excited for the future:)

As a side note, I have a family reunion coming up in exactly a week and I would like to be 110 for it. Seems do-able to me seeing as I weighed in this morning at 113, WOOOOOO! Wish me luck!

Good ol' plateau

I ended up not only walking that 5 miles, but added on an extra 2. Bringing the total to 9 miles (adding the two other miles from the AM). I did treat myself to an ice pop; I thought I might faint if I didn't. And I woke up to 114.4 on Thursday. Again. I wasn't heartbroken. I MUCH rather see the same number than a higher one, but it's just a tad bit disappointing when you worked so hard and were expecting to lose. I guess that just goes to show that you should never expect anything from life. So Thursday my limit was 300. I had some salad topped with a bunch of veggie - NO dressing. Dressing scares me quite frankly, and is completely not worth it. A peach which was probably around 75 calories. And some pretzels at 110. I fucking love pretzels. Sooooo good. As weird as it sounds they are even better with mustard. And my sister let me have 2 gummy bears as well. bringing the total to around 300. I know what my problem is though. I NEED to plan what I eat and stick to it! I got paid today and went grocery shopping so I actually have good diet food to eat. I must say, I'm pretty excited:))))))
Oh, and i finally broke down and got some diet pills. Ive been trying not to because I'm paranoid of having heart failure so hopefully I dont drop dead. If I do, its been a good life hah (;
I have to run to work, so I'll catch up on anything else lataaa!

Sorryyy....

for the previous meltdown. I'm back to normal...ish hah. Anyways, I have decided to start the skinny girl diet (once again). This time around I feel it will be much more sucessful due to the fact that I am no longer smoking pot. So my weigh in this morning was 114.4. It's crazy how one binge can throw away so much hard work. For some reason, I kinda like it like that. It makes it harder, which makes success that much sweeter. 110 for a goal weight sounds okay, but looking in the mirror I'm sure that's far bigger than I'm wanting to look. So I'm gonna go ahead and bump that number down to 105 for now and see how that goes. Here's my daily intake for the last two days..( I started Monday, but haven't been posting due to my schedule. That really is becoming quite the bad habit.)


Day 1 (Monday): 400
Orange - 75 calories
Chicken Noodle Soup -  120 calories
Pickles - 10 calories
Ice pops - 50 calories
Peanuts - 160 calories
Exercise - Speed walking 5.36 miles
Total: 415 calories

Day 2 (Tuesday): 300
Orange: 75 calories
Strawberries: 50 calories
Honeydew: 100 calories
Cheese Stick: 80 calories
Exercise: none :(
Total : 305 calories

Day 3 (Today/ Wednesday): 400
Orange - 75 calories
Orange Bell Pepper - 25 calories
Some Peanut M&Ms - 50 calories
Planning on having....
Rice with bell peppers and onions: 200 calories
Total: 350 calories
I already walked 2 miles this morning and I'm planning on walking at least 4 tonight. I would like to walk for 5, but we will see how this goes. And if I have what I'm supposed to for dinner, I think I'll treat myself to an ice pop. Those things are dammed amazin' and they say they are 30 calories, but I just round them to 50 because there is NO way something that sugary and good could be 30 calories hahh.
Anyways, I'll try and keep up with updating so if i don't feel free to bitch at me :)

SOINCREDIBLYPISSED

at myself! I weighed in this morning and I was 113! It's probably been over a year since I weighed that. and what the fuck did I do? I ruined it! I went to sonic and proceeded to munch on a quarter pound chili cheese coney, a grilled cheese, and onion rings. How disgusting. The whole time I was thinking why am I eating this? it tastes soooo gross! But I paid money for it so i figured why not? Plus, I had the drunk munchies. I, of course, was planning on purging, but for some odd reason my body wouldn't let me. I stood over that damned toliet for a whole 30 minutes before I accepted the fact that it just wasnt going to happen. I don't want to be seen. I don't want to leave my room. And I don't want to get on the scale. What have I done? I'm seriously freaking out!sdfjhadkfhkaifmehyseuriefnsdjfashfafbakdjf

Okay. Calm down. You can fix it. I can fix it....right? I'll just have to exercise tonight like there ain't no tomorra. I already took some laxatives. I guess the best way to learn a lesson is the hard way.

Gah, I just can't get over it. You dumb fuck. You dumb worthless fuck.