mhmm.

So it's about 130AM where I am and I can't sleep. That's one of the few disadvantages there are when it comes to restriction. On the bright side however, I can feel myself becoming numb (emotion-wise, anyways). It's nice to be able to be inside my own head without feeling so miserable. I weighed in this morning at 128.4; I'm on schedule still. I'm hoping tomorrow morning I'll weigh in at 126 at least. Food hasn't really been all that tempting for me recently, so that's nice and dandy. As far as work goes tomorrow, I'll be working 11-8, but I'm hoping since the previous discount day this week was crazy, the second time around won't be so crazayy. We shall see..


I am feeling optimistic and excited about my anticipated weight loss. I hope all is well with you all.

its been a while..

My apologies. I would like to shamefully admit to you all that I have let my ass get to 132. I haven't reached the 130s in YEARS. I'm talking muthafuckin' years, bitches! So after pathetically crying on the bathroom floor for a good half hour, I decided to take action. I started eating because I felt that this whole "not eating" thing was maybe the root of me feeling so sad lately. Now that I've allowed myself to eat it's almost as if it's gotten worse. I don't ever remember being so depressed in my life. It's an odd type of sadness, really, at that; one that particularly hard to expand on but I'll do my best to elaborate. Usually just thinking about sad things makes me sad (obviously, hah), and I might stay sad about the particular subject for a few days as well as shed a few tears. But shit, lately man. It's like I'm not sad at anything particularly, but I feel sad. Like a dread kind of sad. Like I feel nauseous kind of sad. Like a sad that will just sneak up on you when you're having a good time and completely consume your mind for no reason kind of sad. And no matter what I do to ignore it, it will just grab hold of me it won't let me shake it. I hate being so negative, so openly. It really makes me feel pathetic but for goodness sake I feel pathetic and I just need to vent to get it out. To read my thoughts so that I might find some solution, or even just to start to sort things out. I can't believe where I'm at in life right now. It seems the older I get the worse off i get. I have become such a lazy bitch. My work ethics and effort have gone down. I just can't seem to convince myself any of this matters. Though at the same time I know the more responsible I am, the happier I'll be because I'm succeeding.
I have also come to realize I have slowly, yet surely, managed to isolate myself. I do have my one friend back but it's not the same. You see, my sister (I'll call her E for right now), Carol (my friend), and I had always hung out together; just us three made the group. Over the last...oh, I'd say 3 years, I've begun to notice that they are so unlike me. They are both tomboys who like smoking, pot, bongs, video games, eating WHATEVER the fuck they want, etc. Where I prefer shopping, reading, exercising, counting calories. The only thing that holds us together is our love for drugs and that thought is somewhat depressing. My only friendship I have with others is based on something so... empty. And it makes me feel just that. It hurts even more because there isn't anyone to blame - we are just different . Just seeing the two of them click so well gives me an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I think that's why I prefer hanging out with myself rather than with others; being around others makes me feel lonelier than if I were just alone. Because when I'm by myself, I don't have to watch people connect and yearn for that feeling. I am not jealous of the two of them much. I'm happy for my friend and sister to have a deep connection with each other. It just hurts when I witness them manipulating plans so I won't be included. I know they don't mean to be mean, or else they would just straight up say it. But shit, I wish they knew that I'm not a cold hearted bitch and I don't mean to be annoying. It's just so hard to express what I feel and dammit it hard being the different one.

Food wise...has been good since yesterday. I'm hoping that if i eat bare minimum until I go to my cousins on Saturday night I'll be in the low 120s. I've been eating like shit so I think a good bit will just melt off. Last time I saw them I was 17 pounds lighter....eeekkkkk. The thought of seeing there faces when they realize gives my such bad anxiety. You can see it just by looking at their faces. It's humiliating, yet great motivation :) wish me luckkkkkk

Alright, I've had it.

Dude, I am so sick of the cycle I've been stuck in lately. Pretty much a b/p. Oh, except for the fact that I've been purging so much that I no longer could. And that's where I SHOULD be saying that I went back to starving like a good little girl, but doing so would be lying. Truth? I've been eating pretty much everything and anything in site without purging. Haven't gotten on the scale; I'm pretty damn sure it'll be over 120 which is the most I've weighed since the beginning of this shit (this recent cycle at least). And you know what the cause of it all is? Pot. Company. I have no will power with these things. With company (not like friends, more like family), I lose my concentration, my will power. As for the pot thing, munchies pretty much explains that. The weird thing about pot though is it is one of the most powerful weapons I have against my ED anxieties. It's almost like I don't even care. I want to quit again, but I'm addicted. I know, I know that sounds ridiculous BUT pot, in my opinion, can be very physiologically addicting especially to someone with an addictive personality, like moi. I just wish people would leave me in peace so I could starve properly, shiattt :D
But enough about the ranting and shit, it's time to get down and lose the weight. I've done it before, I can do it again! Hm, well I'm going to start by allowing myself no more than 700 calories a day which is kinda a lot, but when I cut it down anymore than that I'm not strong enough (physically) to get through the work day and such. I will also run 2 miles in the morning and go on a walk during the night. What else... Oh, toning. Right. I'll do my toning exercises on Sundays, Wednesdays, and Fridays which will include an assortment of ab, arm, butt, and leg exercises.

I would weigh myself now, but I know it's bad already and I'd hate to further depress myself. I would like to apologize to everyone for my absence. I assure you all that I have been on and reading. Just to ashamed to post myself. Anywho, wish me luck you skinny little bitchessss :P

P.S. I WOULD LOVE A BUDDY IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED

Oh. Gosh.

I don't even know where to start...
I lost my only friend today (other than my sister). I just feel so fucking lost lately. We got in the most ridiculous immature fight. She acts like a 4 year old to get what she wants and throws fits. I can't even start to explain how horrid she has gotten with her treatment of others. Anyways, she threw a fit to get what she wanted the other day, and unlike everyone else I didn't let her have her way. I'm so damn sick of her treating people the way she does and just getting away with it. So she ended up texting me later and bitching me out. So I told her she needs to start treating people better. And she said she was "done with me". I don't really care in all honesty due to the fact she acts like a damn 4 year old, but I was supposed to go to a concert (my first concert) in the next week or so, but since her mother is the ride I suppose that's out of the question. My sister who gets treated like shit by her just stood by and watched instead of helping me out because she has no fucking balls.

I went on my second date with a guy tonight. He is so charming, but a player. It's funny, because I keep telling myself that maybe he isn't. He tried to have sex with me. I ended up just giving him head. I feel so disgusted and used. I knew what he was doing when he was doing it, yet I didn't stick up for myself. He kept saying "you're so small, I love it" which made me want to cry more. Because it just makes me feel more lost. I don't have anyone to talk to. At this point I don't even want anyone to talk to. I just want a shoulder to cry on. I just want someone to tell me it's okay. I want them to say I'm beautiful and mean it. I want someone to say they love me. I want someone to know that I'm still here.


And that I'm sorry.

Sorry for my leave..

I've been far too ashamed to come on here again and again with consistent failures. But, I feel that without having to confirm my lack of self control I'm gaining no accountability thus rendering my future successes from happening. I have been binging and purging to a terrible degree, and I have come to the conclusion that for me to get anywhere with the weight loss I need to cut it out completely. This means no doing it for a reward for reaching a certain weight because this only invigorates my love for food further sending me into my infamous binge/purge mode that only, sadly, results in a weight gain from the lack of ability to purge from over-exhaustion and use of this same ability.

I would like to be 105 by September 29th; I have a concert this day and would like to be somewhat confident in myself so I can have fun for once instead of worrying about how fat I am. Also, I would like to be 100/102 by October 14th (my 21st birthday). In order to do this in such little time I have decided that I will go on a liquid only diet. Sooooo, I guess we will see how this goes. I will take my measurement tonight and post them on here to track my progress. I have become a whale in such a short period of time. I WILL make it up. I know what triggers me into eating an ungodly amount though so I will need to compose a draft of ways around it to optimize my weight loss.

I'll post again with my stats, etc.

wish me luck, i'm gonna need it!!

I have been thinking a lot

About my life. About me as well as my feelings toward myself. I deny too often that this life style inflicts negative thoughts towards myself, but the fact of the matter is that it does. Restriction? Not so much. In fact, with success it gives me the euphoria that I've never felt from anything else; not from love, drugs, or what have you. But soon that euphoria dies with either the realization of a new goal weight to achieve, or a massive chain of binge events (I have been struggling too much with the latter of the two). Somehow along this journey I have lost how to love, as well as what it means to love - whether it be myself or others. Still, knowing all this isn't enough to shut out the constant thoughts. Unfortunately, as many recovery stories as I've heard, never have I heard within those stories that those voices cease to speak. And that is probably what scares me the most about trying to get better. I can either be tormented and thin, or tormented and normal/fat. Right now would most likely be a perfect time to say that I am lost, though saying such a cliche phrase such as that would be a futile attempt as a scape goat from life and taking responsibility. The fact of the matter is, that I am not lost. I know where I am as well as where I stand, yet its the next step that gives me the anxiety of feeling lost. Because there are not only two options but many. Throwing in the towel is one, but one that I knew if I made I would be regretting it in a few days or gained pounds - which ever were to come first. I could clinch my teeth, suck it up, and go on with restriction just to have my hopes shattered by a sequence of binges and purges which I know all too well end with the lingering of spitting and shitting blood. One commonality of all the roads end with the same problem: an obsession with myself to progress to the state which is appeasing to others, only to be contradicted with the fact that it all only pushes me further into an alienation of my own world. The extremes of both of the above stated options have lead me to a third option that brings the two to somewhat of an agreement: restrict as to stay around 107-110, or around 600 calories with exercise. The "voices", so to speak, lash out at me through the thought process of the third. Inquiring that it is my weak former fat self trying to grasp hold again, and before I know it I'll be that same sad fat girl to which I know will begin this vicious and repetitive cycle over again. Maybe I already know the path I will take, because I have taken it before so many times. Nonetheless, a decision needs to made. And I will make it.



The choice being somewhere In between the 3rd and 1st. This is something I can't fully throw in the towel for, because its become part of who I am and is necessary for some of the only true happiness I do experience from life. But other aspects that have been lacking so much due to the scarcity of my energy require that I do need to eat more than 300 calories a day. As well as those calories coming from greens, fruits, and proteins - not from two rolls of sweettarts a day. For one, my work ethics have been broken down from doing above and beyond to being bottom of the barrel. I used to delight in work, in my customers, but now I find it impossible with the irritation and lack of proper nutrients. All of which leave me with disappointed managers wondering what happened to that bright girl besides the decomposition of her body. The irritation doesn't stop at work though; it's an ongoing roller-coaster peaking not when I'm the hungriest, but when I've deemed myself a failure by giving in and having some green beans, or looking upon the scale and seeing an unchanged number - meaning only that I've remained an unchanged girl for yet another day. I've come from being a delightfully sarcastic and witty girl to a demonically and openly obsessed girl craving for her next victim to lash out at after a day, or even a moment, of failure. And I'm tired of the guilt. I'm tired of yearning for a break from my mind, one that I know I will probably never get. I'll say with complete honesty that I don't quite know what I'm trying to represent from this post, because it surely isn't quitting restriction. I'm just tired of the binging and purging that I can't seem to get away from for more than a week. I am, quite contrary to what this post might convey, optimistic about the future. Things seem to have a way of working out. And life, after all, is just a thing.

Tisk, tiskkk!

Oh dear!
Well first off, I got to 107 again. And binged, AGAIN. Luckily I was able to purge. Bad news? I went out drinking with my sister last night and her car broke down! And of course we decided to give these guys a ride home because they missed their cab and where going to pay us 40 dollars for a ride that was quite simply right down the street. Needless to say, we didn't get back to her apartment until 3:30AM. And she made french toast with eggs - I couldn't resist! Never can when I'm not sober. I was pretty pissed at myself because I had FINALLy reached 107 and messed it all up again. I seriously repeated the same mistake; that's really what gets me the most about the whole thing. So I cam home this morning to weight myself and somehow I was still 107. I, no joke, dropped to my knees thanking God for such a wonderful miracle.

And I went pretty much the whole day without eating. Until I got home. ANNNND let's just say it was all downhill from there. Binged, tried to purge, and am very sure I didn't get even half of the enormous food I ate up. I am still going to be positive about this though. I mean I was able to get some up, which is obviously better than none. Not to mention, I have a looong work day tomorrow so I will definitely need the energy for tomorrow. I also needed a good slap in the face with some motivation. All in all, I don't think I gained too much. I have decided I'm going to not weight myself until Sunday night; I don't want to ruin any motivation with anger towards myself. For further motivation Sunday will also be the day when I shall post some progress pictures up to reassure that I stick to it! I'm really having a hard time with not purging lately which really is no good :( I've got to figure a way to help myself from doing it so if anyone has suggestions I would absolutely love them!

Sorry to sound like such a failure with restriction lately. I feel like I've let myself as well as all you girls out there down; it was not my intention. I'll make it up to everyone, myself included, by Sunday. That's a promise!