Yep, I was crowned with that wonderful name this morning by my father when I went downstairs. HOWFUCKINGDISGUSTING. I feel soooooo gross and terrible. All I can think about is that feeling I got yesterday when I stepped on that scale. I was so scared from all the straying I had done that I was going to be well into the 120s. And then Phillip said that I was 118. I was given a second chance to redeem myself. And I threw it away for an assortment of cookies, candy, and a hot dog. I have yet to get on that scale again.
But one of the girls on one of the blogs I'm following posted a girls successful ABC diet. It was so inspirational. She went from 150 to 91lbs! I would say she was a lucky girl, but I know better than that. She isn't lucky; She was motivated and deserved every pound she lost if not more. If She can do it why can't I? The only difference is the mind set, not physical boundaries.
Oh, and I've decided to give up drinking and smoking unless it's in a social environment. That way I'll be too embarrassed to eat in front of anyone. I don't have the control over myself yet. I'm sure once my bones are protruding a little better I can use them as the wall between eating and not eating.
I must be terribly annoying with all the empty words that I have. I'm trying. I'm sorry. I just need to get back into the groove of things. I really kind of just need a buddy too. They always help so much.
21.3.11
20.3.11
SGD - DAY 6
So I pretty much don't even know where to start because I feel that so much has happened within the last few days - I really need to set aside time every night or something to blog; it sure helps me rethink the day in order to contemplate my plan of action for the next.
Hm, so let's see.....
Well first off, my diet was going pretty well in accordance with my self control and caloric intake for the day as well as getting my exercise in; I was running 3 miles a day with some ab work and such. But I wasn't losing anything. I was staying on 120 and quite honestly it was completely not motivating and frustrating the fuck out of me. So naturally I just felt like saying screw it and I have been binging and purging pretty damn bad since the end of day 4. Result? I am now 118 and haven't really even been exercising. Awesome I guess? I really, however, did not want to go back to binging and purging though. I feel like a fatass with no sense of control, I feel pathetic.
I just want to be thin. I don't even want it anymore, I need it. It's like I used to look at myself and think "You're not that bad, just shed about 5 pounds, tone up, and you'll be good". Now it's like i can't even comprehend how I could think that. 5 pounds? Chyeahh, off of every body part you possess. I can't even think about anything else anymore except for you should be losing weight faster, you shouldn't be eating that, don't you think you're better than that? Can't you just have control for once you fucking worthless piece of shit? I wish I could have foreseen this years ago, when it all began. I wish my parents wouldn't have let me get fat in the first place. I wouldn't be doing these things, wouldn't be thinking of them. But at the same time I don't think I would part with this for anything. It makes me feel so complete in a sense. It's mine, it's me. It keeps me grounded with humanity. It keeps me sane. Through this sense of sanity is where I find equality with others. I wish I could explain it better, but I've never been good at translating what I think, especially when it comes to feelings, into a coherent and well articulated thought.
But enough with the "woah as me" bullshit. Crying about it won't change it. I have to DO IT.
"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions."
<3becks
Hm, so let's see.....
Well first off, my diet was going pretty well in accordance with my self control and caloric intake for the day as well as getting my exercise in; I was running 3 miles a day with some ab work and such. But I wasn't losing anything. I was staying on 120 and quite honestly it was completely not motivating and frustrating the fuck out of me. So naturally I just felt like saying screw it and I have been binging and purging pretty damn bad since the end of day 4. Result? I am now 118 and haven't really even been exercising. Awesome I guess? I really, however, did not want to go back to binging and purging though. I feel like a fatass with no sense of control, I feel pathetic.
I just want to be thin. I don't even want it anymore, I need it. It's like I used to look at myself and think "You're not that bad, just shed about 5 pounds, tone up, and you'll be good". Now it's like i can't even comprehend how I could think that. 5 pounds? Chyeahh, off of every body part you possess. I can't even think about anything else anymore except for you should be losing weight faster, you shouldn't be eating that, don't you think you're better than that? Can't you just have control for once you fucking worthless piece of shit? I wish I could have foreseen this years ago, when it all began. I wish my parents wouldn't have let me get fat in the first place. I wouldn't be doing these things, wouldn't be thinking of them. But at the same time I don't think I would part with this for anything. It makes me feel so complete in a sense. It's mine, it's me. It keeps me grounded with humanity. It keeps me sane. Through this sense of sanity is where I find equality with others. I wish I could explain it better, but I've never been good at translating what I think, especially when it comes to feelings, into a coherent and well articulated thought.
But enough with the "woah as me" bullshit. Crying about it won't change it. I have to DO IT.
"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions."
<3becks
16.3.11
SGD3 - Beast Mode
SGD - Day 3
PROJECTED CALORIE INTAKE: 400 CALORIES
Breakfast: Grapefruit...N/A CAL
Lunch: Cabbage...N/A CAL
Snack: Celery...N/A CAL (I really feel like a cheater not counting these calories. This coming Monday I have to start, too much guilt otherwise.)
Dinner: Lean Cuisine Meal...300CAL
TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE: 300/400 CALORIES
100 calories to spare? HELL YES. Bad news is that I have a movie date tonight...
Note to self: Candy is the devil.
PROJECTED CALORIE INTAKE: 400 CALORIES
Breakfast: Grapefruit...N/A CAL
Lunch: Cabbage...N/A CAL
Snack: Celery...N/A CAL (I really feel like a cheater not counting these calories. This coming Monday I have to start, too much guilt otherwise.)
Dinner: Lean Cuisine Meal...300CAL
TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE: 300/400 CALORIES
100 calories to spare? HELL YES. Bad news is that I have a movie date tonight...
Note to self: Candy is the devil.
Life and such
Alright so I have some blogging to do to catch up on for the last couple of days. After this entry I think I'll separate the daily caloric intake statistical and my actual life into different entries. Otherwise, I'll be all over the place. The end of SGD day 1 was somewhat of a failure. I went over by 50 calories by the end of the work day. BUT of fucking course that guy I was supposed to hang out with hassled me into getting dessert. I tried using the whole "I already ate so im not very hungry" excuse. So somehow he turned that into "I'm not very hungry for food that I can somewhat budget my calories very well through salads, but I'd absolutely LOVE some fattening, irresistable cheesecake!" The good news is I managed to get some coffee and only eat about a third of a slice. Sure, that still probably a billion calories in itself, but I think I still managed fairly well. I'm trying not to purge on this diet because I know that will be the beginning of the end for me. Plus, I feel like its so damn bad for my body. And it makes me feel like a pathetic failure, like its cheating. Probably because it is.
As for the date aspect of the night, it went great. Almost better than great. We click very well. Which surprises me because I haven't clicked this well with a guy in a looong time. So long I can't completely validate that I have in fact clicked with someone this well. He is suuuper fit though. Which makes me feel like a complete fat ass. I'm glad he is that way because now I'm even more dedicated and determined to this SGD. Bathing suit season is pretty much here so I need to get a move on it.
SGD DAY 2:
Started off very well. All I had was grapefruit and celery. And then my sister surprised me at work with some alcohol. I couldn't resist. I was so close to throwing it away after she left because it was filled with nasty liquid syrupy calories, but I'm weak when it comes to a good buzz. So I drank it. I'll learn from that mistake. It mad me unbearably tired and hungry, black hole status. I came home to stuffed pork chops and asparagus. I managed okay, probably ate around 300 calories worth, which was my limit for the day. Then later on while watching a movie I got into some cheerios and probably had around 200 calories worth of that. Then chicken noodle soup, 150 calories. Then reeses peices, 150 calories. And pepsi, 150 calories. I know, how worthless. I was doing so good why did i have to give it up. I debated on purging it but i decided against it. The pepsi is what really gets me just because its not even that good nor hard to resist.Usually I would feel a lot worse about everything, but I'm feeling in a determined kind of mood. I guess being able to vent is helping a lot. Even if no one is reading.
Day 3, here I come.
<3 becks
As for the date aspect of the night, it went great. Almost better than great. We click very well. Which surprises me because I haven't clicked this well with a guy in a looong time. So long I can't completely validate that I have in fact clicked with someone this well. He is suuuper fit though. Which makes me feel like a complete fat ass. I'm glad he is that way because now I'm even more dedicated and determined to this SGD. Bathing suit season is pretty much here so I need to get a move on it.
SGD DAY 2:
Started off very well. All I had was grapefruit and celery. And then my sister surprised me at work with some alcohol. I couldn't resist. I was so close to throwing it away after she left because it was filled with nasty liquid syrupy calories, but I'm weak when it comes to a good buzz. So I drank it. I'll learn from that mistake. It mad me unbearably tired and hungry, black hole status. I came home to stuffed pork chops and asparagus. I managed okay, probably ate around 300 calories worth, which was my limit for the day. Then later on while watching a movie I got into some cheerios and probably had around 200 calories worth of that. Then chicken noodle soup, 150 calories. Then reeses peices, 150 calories. And pepsi, 150 calories. I know, how worthless. I was doing so good why did i have to give it up. I debated on purging it but i decided against it. The pepsi is what really gets me just because its not even that good nor hard to resist.Usually I would feel a lot worse about everything, but I'm feeling in a determined kind of mood. I guess being able to vent is helping a lot. Even if no one is reading.
Day 3, here I come.
<3 becks
14.3.11
SGD - DAY 1
Last night I took all of my weight measurements and such for the beginning of the SGD, and I must say that I'm pretty excited. For the results, of course.
CW: 121
Height: 5'7
GW: 110
UGW:105
The view from the side doesn't repulse me enough to vomit, but the front view is a completely different story. I would love to know where I got my fucking hips and huge ass thighs from.
Anywaysss, I weighed myself this morning and I was 119.8, awesome:) Downside is that its only 4PM and I'm hungry. Hunger is power. Hunger IS power. Thank the Lord I'm hanging out with a guy tonight. Being with people= NO EATING; I despise eating in front of people with a burning passion, especially guys.
Now for the food stats. Drum roll please....
PROJECTED CALORIE INTAKE FOR DAY 1: 400 CAL
Breakfast: Fuck breakfast, makes me hungrier throughout the day.
Snack: Celery and carrots (I'm not going to start counting fruits or vegetables until I'm at least a week or two into this)...N/A CAL
Lunch: Peanuts (I know loaded with fatfatfat BUT I did get the ones in the shell so it keeps me preoccupied and takes longer to eat)...160 CAL
Snack: Grapefruit (I would highly suggest this fruit because, again, it takes a lot of time to peel everything off.)...N/A CAL
Dinner: Lean Cuisine meal...290 CAL
TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE: 450/400
Over by 50 CAL, dammit. Guess that'll teach me to think ahead, I was just soo tired last night. AND i had not done any of my grocery shopping. WILL DO TONIGHT. I'll just have to work off the extra calories through cardio.
CW: 121
Height: 5'7
GW: 110
UGW:105
The view from the side doesn't repulse me enough to vomit, but the front view is a completely different story. I would love to know where I got my fucking hips and huge ass thighs from.
Anywaysss, I weighed myself this morning and I was 119.8, awesome:) Downside is that its only 4PM and I'm hungry. Hunger is power. Hunger IS power. Thank the Lord I'm hanging out with a guy tonight. Being with people= NO EATING; I despise eating in front of people with a burning passion, especially guys.
Now for the food stats. Drum roll please....
PROJECTED CALORIE INTAKE FOR DAY 1: 400 CAL
Breakfast: Fuck breakfast, makes me hungrier throughout the day.
Snack: Celery and carrots (I'm not going to start counting fruits or vegetables until I'm at least a week or two into this)...N/A CAL
Lunch: Peanuts (I know loaded with fatfatfat BUT I did get the ones in the shell so it keeps me preoccupied and takes longer to eat)...160 CAL
Snack: Grapefruit (I would highly suggest this fruit because, again, it takes a lot of time to peel everything off.)...N/A CAL
Dinner: Lean Cuisine meal...290 CAL
TOTAL CALORIE INTAKE: 450/400
Over by 50 CAL, dammit. Guess that'll teach me to think ahead, I was just soo tired last night. AND i had not done any of my grocery shopping. WILL DO TONIGHT. I'll just have to work off the extra calories through cardio.
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