im backkkkkkk (;

@ 140....let the games begin hoezzzzz

Can't say that I didn't try..

Elloooo lovliezzz, long time no talk! It's safe to say, obviously, that Ive become quite weary of this whole "being healthy" bit. Because eventually it just turned to "eat whatever you want" which led to a 20POUND GAIN. It's fairly laughable for some reason. A week later and I'm down 10..phewww. I need to add in exercising and that should do it for me. I just need a music player... Life has really gone to shit lately, though I claim full responsibility due to the fact it was due to my irresponsibility. Needless to say, I'm out $10,000 so consequently I've been living in my room only leaving for work and food. In a year it seems I have gone from crazy to psychotic. I'm not sure how to explain how I'm feeling, or what I'm feeling; in a sense I'm numb but in a great deal of emotional pain as well. I hate being alone. And I hate that I hate it because I used to like it very much so. I push people away and expect them to come running. Why would I do such a thing? It is so senseless, immature, and silly. I broke down today and I just needed someone to talk to. My sister, E, for some reason is someone I have always felt so connected with; we were attached at the hip growing up. I rarely see her anymore now that she has carol..which used to be my best friend. Not that I mind that and all, I just wish she would at least spend a little time with me so I don't feel like this. I miss her so much but the feeling isn't mutual, and I can;t explain the heartache it makes me feel; it's the worst feeling in the entire world. The thought of her sends me to tears..I am just too lonely and she is all I had. Anyways I went into her room today to talk because I haven't been feeling well, mentally that is. I asked if she was in a hurry to which she replied "yeah, kinda". It's not as if she said it rudely or anything, it just further embellished what I meant to her I suppose; I hadn't seen her in a week and she was in a hurry to go to the liquor store with carol...who she had been with for a week. I'm really just so tired of feeling this way. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I don't feel like rambling on much more about my emotional state because it feels quite pathetic as it is going on like this, and I just want to stop thinking about it soooooo.... I'll talk about my plan to FIX it (ish). First off, I need to forget about the social life because I don't have the money to support it much less the time. Second, I need to KICK ASS on this real estate license exam instead of avoiding like I have been. I envy all of you for your commitment to academics. Ever since I started the pot smoking and downward drug spiral I haven't had the motivation to even begin to try on my academics, resulting in me falling wayyy behind my peers. I'm about to head to the grocery store to pick up some groceries and everything but I shall update tomorrow. I hope I'm not so negative; I am sorry for being so negative. You all have no idea how much it means that I can just say what I need to. Thank you, seriously.

I'm DONE

with hating myself. Who's with me? Let's be free.

mhmm.

So it's about 130AM where I am and I can't sleep. That's one of the few disadvantages there are when it comes to restriction. On the bright side however, I can feel myself becoming numb (emotion-wise, anyways). It's nice to be able to be inside my own head without feeling so miserable. I weighed in this morning at 128.4; I'm on schedule still. I'm hoping tomorrow morning I'll weigh in at 126 at least. Food hasn't really been all that tempting for me recently, so that's nice and dandy. As far as work goes tomorrow, I'll be working 11-8, but I'm hoping since the previous discount day this week was crazy, the second time around won't be so crazayy. We shall see..


I am feeling optimistic and excited about my anticipated weight loss. I hope all is well with you all.

its been a while..

My apologies. I would like to shamefully admit to you all that I have let my ass get to 132. I haven't reached the 130s in YEARS. I'm talking muthafuckin' years, bitches! So after pathetically crying on the bathroom floor for a good half hour, I decided to take action. I started eating because I felt that this whole "not eating" thing was maybe the root of me feeling so sad lately. Now that I've allowed myself to eat it's almost as if it's gotten worse. I don't ever remember being so depressed in my life. It's an odd type of sadness, really, at that; one that particularly hard to expand on but I'll do my best to elaborate. Usually just thinking about sad things makes me sad (obviously, hah), and I might stay sad about the particular subject for a few days as well as shed a few tears. But shit, lately man. It's like I'm not sad at anything particularly, but I feel sad. Like a dread kind of sad. Like I feel nauseous kind of sad. Like a sad that will just sneak up on you when you're having a good time and completely consume your mind for no reason kind of sad. And no matter what I do to ignore it, it will just grab hold of me it won't let me shake it. I hate being so negative, so openly. It really makes me feel pathetic but for goodness sake I feel pathetic and I just need to vent to get it out. To read my thoughts so that I might find some solution, or even just to start to sort things out. I can't believe where I'm at in life right now. It seems the older I get the worse off i get. I have become such a lazy bitch. My work ethics and effort have gone down. I just can't seem to convince myself any of this matters. Though at the same time I know the more responsible I am, the happier I'll be because I'm succeeding.
I have also come to realize I have slowly, yet surely, managed to isolate myself. I do have my one friend back but it's not the same. You see, my sister (I'll call her E for right now), Carol (my friend), and I had always hung out together; just us three made the group. Over the last...oh, I'd say 3 years, I've begun to notice that they are so unlike me. They are both tomboys who like smoking, pot, bongs, video games, eating WHATEVER the fuck they want, etc. Where I prefer shopping, reading, exercising, counting calories. The only thing that holds us together is our love for drugs and that thought is somewhat depressing. My only friendship I have with others is based on something so... empty. And it makes me feel just that. It hurts even more because there isn't anyone to blame - we are just different . Just seeing the two of them click so well gives me an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I think that's why I prefer hanging out with myself rather than with others; being around others makes me feel lonelier than if I were just alone. Because when I'm by myself, I don't have to watch people connect and yearn for that feeling. I am not jealous of the two of them much. I'm happy for my friend and sister to have a deep connection with each other. It just hurts when I witness them manipulating plans so I won't be included. I know they don't mean to be mean, or else they would just straight up say it. But shit, I wish they knew that I'm not a cold hearted bitch and I don't mean to be annoying. It's just so hard to express what I feel and dammit it hard being the different one.

Food wise...has been good since yesterday. I'm hoping that if i eat bare minimum until I go to my cousins on Saturday night I'll be in the low 120s. I've been eating like shit so I think a good bit will just melt off. Last time I saw them I was 17 pounds lighter....eeekkkkk. The thought of seeing there faces when they realize gives my such bad anxiety. You can see it just by looking at their faces. It's humiliating, yet great motivation :) wish me luckkkkkk

Alright, I've had it.

Dude, I am so sick of the cycle I've been stuck in lately. Pretty much a b/p. Oh, except for the fact that I've been purging so much that I no longer could. And that's where I SHOULD be saying that I went back to starving like a good little girl, but doing so would be lying. Truth? I've been eating pretty much everything and anything in site without purging. Haven't gotten on the scale; I'm pretty damn sure it'll be over 120 which is the most I've weighed since the beginning of this shit (this recent cycle at least). And you know what the cause of it all is? Pot. Company. I have no will power with these things. With company (not like friends, more like family), I lose my concentration, my will power. As for the pot thing, munchies pretty much explains that. The weird thing about pot though is it is one of the most powerful weapons I have against my ED anxieties. It's almost like I don't even care. I want to quit again, but I'm addicted. I know, I know that sounds ridiculous BUT pot, in my opinion, can be very physiologically addicting especially to someone with an addictive personality, like moi. I just wish people would leave me in peace so I could starve properly, shiattt :D
But enough about the ranting and shit, it's time to get down and lose the weight. I've done it before, I can do it again! Hm, well I'm going to start by allowing myself no more than 700 calories a day which is kinda a lot, but when I cut it down anymore than that I'm not strong enough (physically) to get through the work day and such. I will also run 2 miles in the morning and go on a walk during the night. What else... Oh, toning. Right. I'll do my toning exercises on Sundays, Wednesdays, and Fridays which will include an assortment of ab, arm, butt, and leg exercises.

I would weigh myself now, but I know it's bad already and I'd hate to further depress myself. I would like to apologize to everyone for my absence. I assure you all that I have been on and reading. Just to ashamed to post myself. Anywho, wish me luck you skinny little bitchessss :P

P.S. I WOULD LOVE A BUDDY IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED

Oh. Gosh.

I don't even know where to start...
I lost my only friend today (other than my sister). I just feel so fucking lost lately. We got in the most ridiculous immature fight. She acts like a 4 year old to get what she wants and throws fits. I can't even start to explain how horrid she has gotten with her treatment of others. Anyways, she threw a fit to get what she wanted the other day, and unlike everyone else I didn't let her have her way. I'm so damn sick of her treating people the way she does and just getting away with it. So she ended up texting me later and bitching me out. So I told her she needs to start treating people better. And she said she was "done with me". I don't really care in all honesty due to the fact she acts like a damn 4 year old, but I was supposed to go to a concert (my first concert) in the next week or so, but since her mother is the ride I suppose that's out of the question. My sister who gets treated like shit by her just stood by and watched instead of helping me out because she has no fucking balls.

I went on my second date with a guy tonight. He is so charming, but a player. It's funny, because I keep telling myself that maybe he isn't. He tried to have sex with me. I ended up just giving him head. I feel so disgusted and used. I knew what he was doing when he was doing it, yet I didn't stick up for myself. He kept saying "you're so small, I love it" which made me want to cry more. Because it just makes me feel more lost. I don't have anyone to talk to. At this point I don't even want anyone to talk to. I just want a shoulder to cry on. I just want someone to tell me it's okay. I want them to say I'm beautiful and mean it. I want someone to say they love me. I want someone to know that I'm still here.


And that I'm sorry.