Can't say that I didn't try..

Elloooo lovliezzz, long time no talk! It's safe to say, obviously, that Ive become quite weary of this whole "being healthy" bit. Because eventually it just turned to "eat whatever you want" which led to a 20POUND GAIN. It's fairly laughable for some reason. A week later and I'm down 10..phewww. I need to add in exercising and that should do it for me. I just need a music player... Life has really gone to shit lately, though I claim full responsibility due to the fact it was due to my irresponsibility. Needless to say, I'm out $10,000 so consequently I've been living in my room only leaving for work and food. In a year it seems I have gone from crazy to psychotic. I'm not sure how to explain how I'm feeling, or what I'm feeling; in a sense I'm numb but in a great deal of emotional pain as well. I hate being alone. And I hate that I hate it because I used to like it very much so. I push people away and expect them to come running. Why would I do such a thing? It is so senseless, immature, and silly. I broke down today and I just needed someone to talk to. My sister, E, for some reason is someone I have always felt so connected with; we were attached at the hip growing up. I rarely see her anymore now that she has carol..which used to be my best friend. Not that I mind that and all, I just wish she would at least spend a little time with me so I don't feel like this. I miss her so much but the feeling isn't mutual, and I can;t explain the heartache it makes me feel; it's the worst feeling in the entire world. The thought of her sends me to tears..I am just too lonely and she is all I had. Anyways I went into her room today to talk because I haven't been feeling well, mentally that is. I asked if she was in a hurry to which she replied "yeah, kinda". It's not as if she said it rudely or anything, it just further embellished what I meant to her I suppose; I hadn't seen her in a week and she was in a hurry to go to the liquor store with carol...who she had been with for a week. I'm really just so tired of feeling this way. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I don't feel like rambling on much more about my emotional state because it feels quite pathetic as it is going on like this, and I just want to stop thinking about it soooooo.... I'll talk about my plan to FIX it (ish). First off, I need to forget about the social life because I don't have the money to support it much less the time. Second, I need to KICK ASS on this real estate license exam instead of avoiding like I have been. I envy all of you for your commitment to academics. Ever since I started the pot smoking and downward drug spiral I haven't had the motivation to even begin to try on my academics, resulting in me falling wayyy behind my peers. I'm about to head to the grocery store to pick up some groceries and everything but I shall update tomorrow. I hope I'm not so negative; I am sorry for being so negative. You all have no idea how much it means that I can just say what I need to. Thank you, seriously.