mhmm.

So it's about 130AM where I am and I can't sleep. That's one of the few disadvantages there are when it comes to restriction. On the bright side however, I can feel myself becoming numb (emotion-wise, anyways). It's nice to be able to be inside my own head without feeling so miserable. I weighed in this morning at 128.4; I'm on schedule still. I'm hoping tomorrow morning I'll weigh in at 126 at least. Food hasn't really been all that tempting for me recently, so that's nice and dandy. As far as work goes tomorrow, I'll be working 11-8, but I'm hoping since the previous discount day this week was crazy, the second time around won't be so crazayy. We shall see..


I am feeling optimistic and excited about my anticipated weight loss. I hope all is well with you all.

its been a while..

My apologies. I would like to shamefully admit to you all that I have let my ass get to 132. I haven't reached the 130s in YEARS. I'm talking muthafuckin' years, bitches! So after pathetically crying on the bathroom floor for a good half hour, I decided to take action. I started eating because I felt that this whole "not eating" thing was maybe the root of me feeling so sad lately. Now that I've allowed myself to eat it's almost as if it's gotten worse. I don't ever remember being so depressed in my life. It's an odd type of sadness, really, at that; one that particularly hard to expand on but I'll do my best to elaborate. Usually just thinking about sad things makes me sad (obviously, hah), and I might stay sad about the particular subject for a few days as well as shed a few tears. But shit, lately man. It's like I'm not sad at anything particularly, but I feel sad. Like a dread kind of sad. Like I feel nauseous kind of sad. Like a sad that will just sneak up on you when you're having a good time and completely consume your mind for no reason kind of sad. And no matter what I do to ignore it, it will just grab hold of me it won't let me shake it. I hate being so negative, so openly. It really makes me feel pathetic but for goodness sake I feel pathetic and I just need to vent to get it out. To read my thoughts so that I might find some solution, or even just to start to sort things out. I can't believe where I'm at in life right now. It seems the older I get the worse off i get. I have become such a lazy bitch. My work ethics and effort have gone down. I just can't seem to convince myself any of this matters. Though at the same time I know the more responsible I am, the happier I'll be because I'm succeeding.
I have also come to realize I have slowly, yet surely, managed to isolate myself. I do have my one friend back but it's not the same. You see, my sister (I'll call her E for right now), Carol (my friend), and I had always hung out together; just us three made the group. Over the last...oh, I'd say 3 years, I've begun to notice that they are so unlike me. They are both tomboys who like smoking, pot, bongs, video games, eating WHATEVER the fuck they want, etc. Where I prefer shopping, reading, exercising, counting calories. The only thing that holds us together is our love for drugs and that thought is somewhat depressing. My only friendship I have with others is based on something so... empty. And it makes me feel just that. It hurts even more because there isn't anyone to blame - we are just different . Just seeing the two of them click so well gives me an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I think that's why I prefer hanging out with myself rather than with others; being around others makes me feel lonelier than if I were just alone. Because when I'm by myself, I don't have to watch people connect and yearn for that feeling. I am not jealous of the two of them much. I'm happy for my friend and sister to have a deep connection with each other. It just hurts when I witness them manipulating plans so I won't be included. I know they don't mean to be mean, or else they would just straight up say it. But shit, I wish they knew that I'm not a cold hearted bitch and I don't mean to be annoying. It's just so hard to express what I feel and dammit it hard being the different one.

Food wise...has been good since yesterday. I'm hoping that if i eat bare minimum until I go to my cousins on Saturday night I'll be in the low 120s. I've been eating like shit so I think a good bit will just melt off. Last time I saw them I was 17 pounds lighter....eeekkkkk. The thought of seeing there faces when they realize gives my such bad anxiety. You can see it just by looking at their faces. It's humiliating, yet great motivation :) wish me luckkkkkk